See Also: 'Azati Prime' Episode Guide

Hey everybody. I'm Zeke, and for those who don't remember, I write parodies of Enterprise episodes. About a year ago, I had only four Season 3 parodies to go when I mysteriously disappeared. Well, it's taken a long time, but I've finally got my groove back -- I'm back now to finish Season 3 and then tackle the rest of the series.

The final four S3 fivers will appear over the next four days, starting with "Azati Prime" below. These things have a certain continuity of their own, so it would be a good idea to reread the last few fivers, starting from "Chosen Realm" or so. And now, without further ado....

Five-Minute "Azati Prime"

Archer: Previously on Star Trek: Enterprise... hey, where are the clips?
T'Pol: There are none. I requested a cold open.
Archer: Your obsession with coldness has gone too far! What are the viewers supposed to do now?
T'Pol: If we have any viewers left after "Harbinger," they won't be the sort who forget earlier episodes.
Archer: You leave me no choice. (ahem) Previously on Star Trek: Enterprise...
Archer as Degra: You'll never find our secret base on Azati Prime! Oh crap. Can I start over?
Archer as Sphere-Builder: Our destructive spheres will destroy you till you can't be destroyed by any further destroyers!
Archer as Daniels: Blah blah time travel blah bitty blah, I'm so plot-furthering, give me a scone.
Archer as Hoshi: Oh, Travis, you're so manly!
T'Pol: The last one was unnecessary. That "plotline" is not canon.
Archer: Yeah, I just wanted to do a Hoshi voice.

Mayweather: We're entering the system n-- whoa! Security grid!
Archer: Ah, so we'll need some of that "planning" stuff. Let's get someone smart working on it. T'Pol?
T'Pol: Yes?
Archer: Ask Chef if he can think of anything.

Degra: Gentlemen: a toast. To the completion of the weapon!
Xindi: Hear, hear!
Degra: To the destruction of the entire human race!
Xindi: Hear, hear!
Degra: To the systematic genocide of every single human child in the --
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Degra, are you by any chance having doubts again?

Reed: We threw everything in the technobabble banks at it -- there's just no way through the grid.
Archer: What about that insectoid pod we captured at some point?
Tucker: Could work. We'd have to figger out how to fly it....
Mayweather: What? (snaps fingers next to ears) I'm not hearing things! It's true! I'm... I'm needed!
Archer: Stop crying, Ensign, it's unprofessional.

Mayweather: I've only had 10 seconds to look at the controls, but I'd say I've pretty much mastered them. For example, they treat uniform motion as relative, but accelerated motion as absolute. Headache city, man.
Tucker: Whatever. Let's see if you can shift gears.
Mayweather: Here goes --
(CRUNCH)
Mayweather: Uh... so, Hoshi sure is great, isn't she?
Tucker: That's not the kind of gear-shifting I meant, but what the heck. How are you kids doing?
Mayweather: Awesome! I really think that --

Sato: -- we need to sort out these relationship issues. I'm really getting worried.
T'Pol: Why do you insist on chatting while you work? And at me? And without tipping?
Sato: Don't pretend you don't care. I know you do.
T'Pol: True. I agreed to help you destroy Mr. Mayweather, and even if it feels like months ago, I will do so. Come to my quarters at 1600 hours.
Sato: But I told you I don't want to d--
T'Pol: Challenge your preconceptions, Ensign.

Tucker: (over the comm) Ready to launch, Cap'n.
Archer: Good luck, Trip, and be careful. We're all out of clones of you.
(SCRAPE)
Archer: That was a joke.
Tucker: No no, that wasn't about you. Travis just has a thing against that part of the ship.

Insectoid: (over the comm)
Tucker: Here goes. Roach Moped requesting clearance to -->
Insectoid: Identify yourself. With a complicated dance, as we insects do.>
(pause)
Mayweather: They're waiting, sir.
Tucker: I'm not doing anything till you put that camera away.

Reed: Sir, we've just been detected by a monitoring station. I --
Archer: Destroy it! No, wait, I should be conflicted about this. Oh, the agony of moral judgment! Okay, I guess we'd better destroy it.
Reed: And if you had let me finish, you'd know I already did.
Archer: (sigh) Yes, Lieutenant, you like to blow things up. We get it.

T'Pol: You are concerned that Mr. Mayweather may be a dork. Let me put that concern to rest: he is. He is also a pansy, a bit player, a deaf-mute, and a tool. He has no depth and no catch phrase. His parents are a corpse and a human. A human!
Sato: We can't blame him for his parents, can we?
T'Pol: Not in theory. But like his name or his ugly, ugly face, he should be expecting to be dumped over them sometimes.
Sato: I don't know... maybe I should talk to him about these problems.
T'Pol: Don't be absurd. That would give him a chance to fix them. Now come with me to the gym for crotch-kicking practice.

Tucker: So the weapon's underwater... can this ship go there?
Mayweather: Of course! If we're airtight, obviously we're watertight. Here we go!
(SPLOOSH... CRUNCH)
Mayweather: Wait, there might also be a pressure difference.
Tucker: (crushed between port and starboard bulkheads) No fooling?

Archer: Welcome back. You two went through decon, right?
Mayweather: I don't want to talk about it.
Tucker: Cap'n, we found a way to destroy the weapon. But it's a suicide mission.
Archer: Sweet! That's my favourite kind.

T'Pol: When you next see Mr. Mayweather, you will....
Sato: Dump him like the cargo of the Starfleet dump frigate U. S. S. Dump.
T'Pol: Because you have to do what's best for you....
Sato: Especially if it's what's worst for him. I think I'm getting this!
T'Pol: Excellent. Mwahahaha! I will have my vicarious revenge on Tr-- (oops.)
Sato: Travis?
T'Pol: Yes. (Whew.)

Daniels: Captain --
Archer: Oh, gimme a break. You again? What do I have to do this time, go back to the 1960s to stop Gene Roddenberry from shooting JFK?
Daniels: I'm more of a 40s man. But no, we're in the future, so I can explain something to you. I know how much you enjoy saving the future from yourself....
Archer: (nod) I'm a dangerous man.
Daniels: But now you have to save the future from the absence of yourself.
Archer: I see. Huh?
Daniels: Look out the window....

Federation Fleet: Zap zap zap!
Sphere-Builder Fleet: I hate you guys! I hate you so much I wish you'd never been born!
Federation Fleet: Pfft, you're all talk.
Sphere-Builder Fleet: I'll do it! I'll totally do it!
Federation Fleet: I'll totally do it with your MOM. Burn almigh-tay!

Daniels: The Federation made a terrible mistake when it talked trash in this battle. The sphere-builders did totally do it. By going back in time to make the Xindi kill Earth.
Archer: So if you know that, why not go stop them? I mean, this ship here --
Daniels: The Enterprise-J. Thanks, needed to work in a mention of that. But anyway, no, the only way to stop them is after they do the thing we're trying to stop them from doing. And to do that, you must live.
Archer: I --
Daniels: Live, damn you!

Archer: Not my best talk with Daniels.
T'Pol: The competition is meager. But he is right.
Archer: About the living or the damning?
T'Pol: You must not die, Captain! Please! I'm begging you! I'm stabbing you!
Archer: You're still not very good at emotions, I see.
T'Pol: Emotions? What emotions? I don't have e--
Archer: So what's that stuff on your sleeves?

Degra: Children, you know. Children.
Guy From Dolim's Ship: Dolim, an outpost just got --
Dolim: Oh, thank GOD. Let's go.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: I'm going too. To, uh, wax my stove.
Degra: (calling after them) Don't forget about the children!

Mayweather: And that's the brake.
Archer: A second ago you said it was the accelerator.
Mayweather: Yeah, this thing isn't fun to drive. Captain... why do you have to fly this mission? Why not someone who might succeed?
Archer: You have to understand the guilt, Travis. I've ordered people to their deaths so many times....
Mayweather: And you feel you shouldn't get special treatment?
Archer: No, I just figure I won't have to give those orders anymore if I'm dead.

Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: Take good care of him, Doctor. One word to him about his sex life and I'll start haunting you.
Phlox: It's been an honour being your wacky uncle, Captain.
Archer: It's been an honour keeping you in check. Goodbye, Porthos. You be a good dog.
Porthos: (sniff sniff, whimper)
Archer: Hmm. You can't really make this funny, can you?

Archer: (over the comm) Farewell, my crew. I would say you've been like a family to me, but I don't want any shipboard couples to feel incestuous. I leave you with the last thing my father said to me: "Tell your sister... you were right." You were right too, crew. And I want you to tell your sisters that. Goodbye.
Reed: I'll miss him. He could make me look smarter just by standing in the room.
T'Pol: Save it for the eulogies, Mr. Reed. The funeral is at 1330. Cacologies will also be accepted.

Archer: Torpedo 1 first... or torpedo 2 first? 1 first... or 2 first? My side, your side! My --
The Total Absence of the Xindi Weapon: Yo.
Archer: Hey! I can't do the plan at all now! Cheap!
Reptilian: (over the comm) Yeah, what a gyp, eh? Come dock with us and we'll commiserate.
Archer: (shrug) I've got no other plans.

Mayweather: Hey babe! Rough day, but at least we're finally both off duty, eh?
Sato: Yeah. Listen... we need to talk.
Mayweather: Definitely! I can't wait to tell you about my new City of Heroes character. I call him "The Boomer," but see, he's secretly a Cy--
Sato: Not about that. Here's the thing....

Tucker: You should be on the bridge, T'Pol. The crew need you for support and eye candy. What have you been doing in here, anyway?
T'Pol: Nothing.
Mayweather: (on T'Pol's monitor) What? No! NO!
T'Pol: Computer, mute that. I'll be back on the bridge soon, Mr. Tucker. I just need to deal with my pain.
Tucker: Yeah, we're all sad about -- wait. Aren't you a Vulcan?
T'Pol: Am I a Vulcan? Was Hunter S. Thompson a human? Was John Lennon? Charlie the methadone man? Season 6 Willow? Get out!

Dolim: That's eight beatings! Is your will broken yet?
Archer: No, but it's starting to really tick me off! Just kidding. I'm loving it. More! More!
Dolim: Dude, you creep me out, and I'm a giant lizard.
Archer: We had giant lizards on Earth, too. Some were over 50 feet tall. That's very small. By the way, do you know Degra?
Dolim: Yes....
Archer: Tell him I know what his third child did last summer.

Mayweather: How can you do this to me? I love you!
Sato: I love you too. If I understand correctly, that's why I have to hurt you as much as possible. Now get out, and don't expect to get your little black backpack back.
Mayweather: But... but Ho-chan....
Sato: I've been meaning to mention: you suck at pet names.

Reed: Still no word from the captain or his ghost.
T'Pol: We must assume the plan has failed. Prepare a shuttlepod; I have a Plan B.
Reed: (Is that the one where we all take vitamins?)
Sato: (That's Plan B12.)

Degra: All right, how did you know about my third child?
Archer: Look at you, man. You're obviously pregnant. Anyway, I've got something to show you.
Degra: ....What, a shirt button?
Archer: Of TIME, yes. A future guy gave it to me to prove the Xindi would be our allies someday. Now tell me, how could I have gotten it otherwise?
Degra: (snicker)
Archer: What?
Degra: These things are sold at every souvenir shop in Xindi space. They're so common you can't give them away. In fact, we keep a roomful of them as backup fuel for the ship.
Archer: Well, Mr. Daniels, I suppose you think you're pretty damn clever.

Reed: I'm sorry, Travis. This is exactly why women are best used as ammo.
Mayweather: No, I can't blame Hoshi. I've been fooling myself for a long time, but now I know what I have to do.
Reed: You're really down. Would it help if I blew up that part of the ship you don't like?
Mayweather: Thanks, but no.
Reed: Rats. I knew I shouldn't have asked first.

Tucker: Diplomacy? This is crazy, T'Pol! What has talking ever stopped?
T'Pol: Sometimes I feel like your talking never st--
Reed: (over the comm) Reed alert! Xindi ships coming in fast!
T'Pol: Uh oh. Well, at least you're alert.

Degra: We need to take this evidence of yours to the Council, Archer. Let's get you out of --
Dolim: I have a better idea. Archer dies, his ship dies, and with luck, you two die.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: That's not a better idea! Though there is a lot of death in it....
Archer: Wait -- my ship? How did you find it?
Dolim: We listened for it! Reptile hearing is excellent!
Archer: Oh crap. Why didn't I order silence aboard ship?

(BLAM CRASH SMASH GRUNGE)
Sato: Six crewmen just got sucked into space! It must have looked cool, but dammit, we don't have that kind of perspective yet!
T'Pol: Why are we taking so much damage? Can't we eva-- hey! Where's Mayweather?
Reed: He was upset when I talked to him earlier. Sounded like he might do something desperate....
T'Pol: But none of us can fly the ship! We're doomed! Where could that mug-pusher have gone?

Mayweather: Hey. Can I come in?
Bouncer of the Underused Characters' Tavern: Welcome back, Mr. Mayweather. Welcome... home.

TO BE CONTINUED....

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