Henry Archer: Jonathan...I am your father.
Archer: I know that, Dad.
Henry Archer: Oh. Well, do I still get to cut your hand off?
Farmer Moore: Uh oh -- there's a ridge-headed alien in my cornfield. And it's a safe bet he's not here for Jiffy-Pop poppers.
Klaang: What? I have ridges on my forehead? Oh my God, I'm some kind of mutant freak! Go ahead and shoot!
Archer: This ship is so beautiful....
Tucker: I'll say. It combines the best features of the Miranda, Akira, and Sovereign classes.
Archer: Hey, stop that. It's the Suliban who have future knowledge, not us.
Tucker: If we don't have future knowledge, how do you know the Suliban have future knowledge?
Archer: Well, okay...we have a little future knowledge.
Admiral Forrest: This mutant Klingon showed up in Oklahoma; we'll have to send back his corpse.
Archer: What, he's dead?
Soval: He will be in a second. Okay, bring in the guillotine....
Archer: NO! I demand to return him alive!
Soval: Aww, but the dead bounty is higher!
Reed: I don't like the looks of this transporter thing. What if it malfunctions? It could fuse people or super-age them or split them in two....
Mayweather: Well, you have to compare that to the other modes of travel, such as hurling yourself naked through the vacuum. Or flying in a shuttle with Chakotay.
Reed: Ouch! Point taken.
Chakotay: I can't believe this. It's not even my show anymore, and I still can't escape the ridicule....
Mayweather: It's your destiny, Pinocchio. Just accept it.
Tucker: Hi, I'm Tucker. Call me Trip.
Mayweather: Hi, I'm Mayweather. Call me Ishmael.
Reed: Hi, I'm Reed. Don't call me, I'll call you.
Sato: Sorry, I'm not coming on the mission.
Archer: You p'taK!
Sato: Ooo...say that again and I'll reconsider.
T'Pol: Hello. I hate your guts.
Archer: Hatred is an emotion.
T'Pol: It is? Oh. Then I...um...find your guts unworthy of serious consideration.
Admiral Forrest: Before we finally get rid of Archer, let's watch a video of everybody's hero, Zefram Cochrane.
Cochrane: Someone once said, "Someone once said, 'Don't try to be a great man, just try to be a man, and let history make its own judgements.'"
T'Pol: Rhetorical nonsense.
Cochrane: Who said that?
Archer: To launch this ship, I need a catch phrase. I've got it: "Skinnamarinky-dinky-dink, skinnamarinky-doo"!
Mayweather: I'm not saying your idea is bad, Captain...but how about "Let's go"?
Archer: Yes, let's.
Silik: I am eeeevil. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Evil Future Guy: Not as evil as me. I even sound like a Romulan.
Archer: Well, I hope I'll come to respect your medical skill.
Phlox: Mine is the kind of medical skill you fear, not respect.
Mayweather: Feel the wonky gravity in here? I call it the sweet spot.
Tucker: I would call it the zero-G spot, or G-spot for short.
Mayweather: But you won't, since this is a PG spot.
Tucker: Right.
Archer: Let us dine and trade veiled insults.
T'Pol: Aww, do they have to be veiled?
T'Pol: Quit talking to me in Vulcan.
Sato: Why? It's your mother tongue.
T'Pol: Actually, my mother was Romulan. Don't let that get out.
Sato: What about your father?
T'Pol: Also Romulan. And he became an evil future guy. Will you please stop dredging up painful memories?
Klaang: GRAAROOGA! KRAALLTAGAR!
Sato: He says he has a blue house with a blue window.
Archer: Clearly his society is radically different from our own....
Klaang: STRENTOK GROO! KRABAA!
Sato: Something about T'Pol and Saran wrap.
Archer: ....but despite the differences, Klingons think much like humans.
Reed: Uh oh -- we just lost all our power.
Mayweather: Horsepower or political power?
Reed: You're not too bright, are you?
Suliban: We need to borrow your Klingon.
Archer: Here you go. He's due back on the 9th; late fees are $5 for the first day and $3 for each succeeding day. Do you have a card?
Suliban: Umm....
Archer: No problem; just fill out these forms and we'll print one off for you. Oh, we'll need to see some ID.
Suliban: Men, we're going to switch to the "kill them" plan.
Archer: They took our Klingon!
T'Pol: Then we might as well go home.
Archer: Every word you say makes me hate you more. We have to get Klaang back.
T'Pol: That would be illogical.
Archer: Why?
T'Pol: Doesn't really matter. I consider humans illogical until proven guilty.
Phlox: This is no ordinary Suliban. This is a widescreen digitally-remastered THX director's-cut Suliban.
Archer: Add George Lucas to the suspect list.
Sato: The Klingon mentioned something called Rigel.
Archer: Any idea what that is, T'Pol?
T'Pol: What kind of idiot are you? Rigel is a human name! That star has been known to humans since--
Archer: Take your Vulcan correctness and bury it!
Silik: Any luck with the Klingon?
Suliban: We're having some trouble...he isn't very intelligent.
Klaang: SKROOGA JAKREG!
Suliban: See? He just said something good about 'Profit and Lace.'
T'Pol: We'll be taking a shuttle down to the planet. Be very careful -- people may try to steal our extremely cool leather jackets.
Mayweather: Seen any Klingons?
Pudgy Alien: What does that have to do with scantily-clad butterfly-eating women?
Mayweather: Nothing, but--
Pudgy Alien: Then stop changing the subject.
T'Pol: You humans are too impulsive.
Tucker: That's a crock. Now I think I'll prove you right.
Archer: Hmm...I think I hear Suliban. They probably have us outnumbered. Let's fight them!
Sato: Can I be on T'Pol's team next time?
Sarin: Gimme some sugar, baby!
Archer: Wow, I bagged a babe even faster than Kirk did! Who's da man?
Sarin: Actually, I was just using my super-powers. Like many of my people, I've been genetically enhanced to fight in a temporal cold war.
Archer: You lost me at "using."
Sarin: Just remember the terms "genetically enhanced" and "temporal cold war," okay? There'll be a test later.
Archer: Oh. Hang on, let me write this down....
Sarin: GAK!
Archer: Rats.
T'Pol: We need to get back to the shuttle. Captain, if you're planning a heroic injury, now would be the best time.
Archer: Agreed. Hey, Suliban! See this leg here?
Suliban: What, you want us to shoot it or something?
Archer: Yes, please. OW!
T'Pol: Take us up to the ship. I'm taking command.
Tucker: Excuse me? I'm first officer. You're just the token babe.
T'Pol: And what would you do if you were in command?
Tucker: Blow up this rathole of a planet...after beaming up the butterfly-eating chicks.
T'Pol: I rest my case.
Archer: Damn wind.
Henry Archer: Don't be afraid of that -- or, metaphorically, ion storms.
Archer: I liked you better when you talked like Darth Vader.
Tucker: Here comes my favourite part! To decontaminate ourselves, we have to go rub gel on each other.
T'Pol: Th--
Tucker: Don't bother. I know all 645 reasons it doesn't make sense.
Phlox: This eel will heal your wound, since "eel" and "heal" rhyme.
Archer: Did you even go to medical school?
Phlox: Yes, but on a sports scholarship.
T'Pol: In your absence, I decided not to take the ship to Earth.
Archer: Thanks, but why?
T'Pol: Well, Tucker and I were spreading gel on each other and--
Archer: Never mind.
Enterprise Starlog: See how I said "Starlog" there and didn't give a stardate? That indicates how retro we are.
Archer: Hard to believe a Vulcan would change her mind. No, "hard" isn't right...what's the word I'm looking for?
Porthos: Ruff.
Archer: Thanks.
Silik: The Klingon isn't helping, but he may have left something with Archer.
Evil Future Guy: Blow him up, then. Oh, and get rid of the son of Skywalker.
Silik: He will join us or die, my lord.
T'Pol: There's the Suliban base. How do we get in?
Archer: I saw this in a movie once. We just steal one of their ships, fly in, and give them a virus.
T'Pol: But we don't know how their computers work.
Archer: True. Phlox, infect Tucker with something contagious.
Reed: Here are your new weapons. They're like lasers, but they're also like guns, so we call them phase pistols.
Archer: That doesn't work.
Reed: Neither do the phase pistols. Bring a bow and arrow or something.
Archer: Well, the ship's yours. Command well.
T'Pol: Don't worry, I'll govern by the same ironclad tortured logic that I used to declare myself first officer.
Archer: Good, good.
Klaang: GRAK! KARGLEKKRO!
Tucker: That would be the Klingon. What's the plan now?
Archer: Now we confuse them by breaking up their network of ships. That's why we brought this anti-Velcro device.
Tucker: The ships are held together with Velcro?
Archer: Well, yeah. Scotch tape is expensive.
Sato: AAAAAAAA! They're firing on us!
T'Pol: We can't move the ship -- that would make it harder for Archer to return.
Mayweather: Thus securing you the captaincy.
T'Pol: Take us to Warp 9.
Archer: Take Klaang back to the ship. I'll just hang out here till you return.
Tucker: It's too dangerous -- you might get bored! Here, take this deck of cards.
Sato: I can hear the shuttle coming.
T'Pol: What, through the vacuum of space?
Sato: Don't be silly. Sound can't travel through the vacuum of space.
T'Pol: But you just said--
Sato: Don't bother, logic-girl. You'll just blow a neuron.
Archer: Hmm...a room in which time behaves strangely.
Future Archer: You're telling me.
T'Pol: I don't see why we should go back for Archer.
Tucker: What if the Suliban catch him and break his bow? That pun would be just horrible.
Silik: You're free to go, Captain.
Archer: Umm..."genetically-enhanced." "Temporal cold war."
Silik: Oh great, now I'll have to kill you!
Archer: You mean I failed the test? But I studied!
Silik: I don't know what you're talking about, but only transporters can save you now.
Transporters: FWOOSH
Silik: Rats.
Archer: Oh boy.
Tucker: (over the comm) Okay, Archer's on board.
T'Pol: Finally! Get us out of here. How bad were we hit?
Reed: Well, we took a lot of damage to our--
T'Pol: You're not going to say "bow." You're just not.
Klaang: GROONY KAFRAP! TRIGWARK!
Other Klingons: KRUNDRAT! WER MUGGRAAK FLOO!
Archer: Translation?
Sato: Umm...Klaang said something about forehead ridges. The others are claiming to be mutant freaks.
Archer: Okay, everybody back away slowly.
Archer: Thus ends this mission. Think you could stick around for the next, oh, seven years?
T'Pol: Considering that I have no good reason to do so, I'll have to say yes.
Archer: Starfleet says we can begin exploring the galaxy. To kick off this bold mission, let's fly into an ion storm.
Mayweather: That sounds windy! I'm afraid!
Archer: Don't be. (ahem) Skinnama--
Everybody: NOOOOOO!
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
Add TrekToday RSS feed to your news reader or My Yahoo!
Also a Desperate Housewives fan? Then visit GetDesperate.com!
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He promises that this is the last time he'll use the traditional Chakotay jokes in an Enterprise parody.
