Hooker 1: Hi! I'm here as part of the Let's Have Hookers In As Many Episodes As Possible program. Voulez-vous couch--
Loomis: No thanks. I prefer your friend over there.
Hooker 2: You won't regret your choice, mister. Not only is my blood more O-negative than hers, but I don't do that thing of knocking you out and stealing all your money.
Hooker 1: Hey, quit giving that away! It's supposed to be a surprise.
Loomis: Before we get started, does that giraffe over there belong to you?
Hooker 2: Before I answer that, are you just trying to get me to turn my head so you can sedate me?
Loomis: Yes.
Hooker 2: Ah. Now which giraffe did you -- ZZZZZZ
Xindi: Did you bring the human? Is it Tom Green?
Loomis: Relax, it's just an ordinary hooker. Now I have only three more people to kidnap and -- wait a minute. I work at a blood clinic that takes hookers? What are our screeners ON? And where can I get some?
Xindi: Your human trivialities do not concern us. Go forth and multiply the number of humans in our possession. By 1.6.
Captain's Starlog: Isn't it annoying when you don't see the main characters till halfway into act one?
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff!
Archer: Uh oh. Is it another anomaly, boy?
Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: What kind? If the walls are about to turn into jello, bark once. If there's a carnivorous ivy plant growing in the corner, bark twice. If --
Daniels: Hello.
Archer: It's you! Porthos, bark 57 times. That's what Daniels' showing up was going to be.
Daniels: Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I'm currently assigned to fixing all the timeline consistency problems this ship causes, and it's a full-time job.
Archer: No problem. Have you been following my character development? I've become a jerk for the good of humanity.
Daniels: A bigger jerk, anyway.
Archer: Ha ha! Funny. Now help me find the Xindi or I'm stapling your face to the hull.
Daniels: See, that's the thing. This whole Xindi business wasn't supposed to happen. It's the result of temporal interference by somebody.
Archer: What a convenient way to get out of any and all continuity problems.
Daniels: That's why I have spare time to visit now.
T'Pol: And what did your imaginary friend tell you this time?
Archer: Apparently Xindi have appeared on Earth in 2004. If we don't stop them, they'll do something really, really bad. Like stabbing the Statue of Liberty with the Washington Monument.
T'Pol: Shocking.
Archer: Yep. Daniels said I could bring one person, and Travis is getting his hair done, so that leaves you. You'll have to find something appropriate to wear....
T'Pol: Why? Catsuits are timeless, like togas.
Archer: No offense, but I'd rather not trust Vulcan fashion sense here.
Tucker: Don't worry, Cap'n, I'll take good care of the ship while you're gone.
Archer: I know you will, Sim.
Tucker: (glare)
Archer: What?
T'Pol: Hmm. This wasn't what we kept in the cargo bay last time I checked.
Archer: Nope. Welcome to the long-ago Earth of the present.
T'Pol: A likely story.
Archer: You know, this denial of yours makes no sense anymore. If I told you I didn't believe in pecan pie, despite the fact that I see it all the time, would that be logical?
T'Pol: No.
Archer: Exactly! And why not?
T'Pol: Because you would be the one saying it.
Archer: We're going to have an interesting time at your next performance review.
Archer: Time for the first step in setting the timeline right: stealing a car. This one looks good.
Dog: ROFF! ROFF ROFF ROFF!
Archer: Maybe not. See any other good ones?
T'Pol: This vehicle should suffice.
Archer: Yeah, that's a nice one. You'd think the owner would have a security system.
T'Pol: I gave it the Vulcan nerve pinch.
Archer: ....Okay then.
T'Pol: This map data is from 2002, but it should still be accurate.
Archer: T'Pol, this is the Windy City! Buildings and streets were constantly being blown from one place to another. The map's useless... I'll just have to improvise.
Car Horns: HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK
T'Pol: Apparently the other drivers disapprove of your improvisational 720-degree turn in the middle of the intersection.
Archer: Such a rigid, hidebound society.
Gas Meter: E
Archer: Uh oh. Looks like we're runnin' on empty.
T'Pol: Runnin' dry?
Archer: Yes. Darn it! We'll have to go buy some gas.
T'Pol: How inconsiderate of the car's owner not to leave a full tank for you.
Archer: Well, we have to remember that the people of this time period don't know yet how cool I am.
T'Pol: I suppose in this insufficiently-Communist era we'll require currency for the gas.
Archer: Don't worry, I have a plan. We stop people on the street and offer to let them beat me up.
T'Pol: In exchange for money?
Archer: That's even better!
T'Pol: Captain, there is a bank machine here. Since it's too late for us not to commit theft today, we may as well rob it.
Archer: I guess that would be easier... but....
T'Pol: (sigh) And while doing so, I'll whack you around with a deposit envelope.
Archer: Let's do it.
Loomis: Hi, I'm from the blood clinic. We have a prize for you.
Old Guy: My blood back?
Loomis: Um, sure. Come with me and you can pick it up.
Old Guy: Thank goodness! I realized too late that I'd donated my good blood.
Archer: Are you sure the Xindi are staying here?
T'Pol: My tricorder is detecting them, so unless they're in the back seat of the car --
Archer: WHERE? Die, Xindi scum!
T'Pol: I will remember not to attempt humour again with someone so jittery.
Archer: Oh, relax. Phase-pistol-damaged upholstery is easy to repair.
T'Pol: Hmm. Another car is approaching.
Archer: We'd better be careful. According to this viewscreen, it's closer than it appears.
Loomis: Here's patient number six. How many does that leave?
Xindi: Two! Two, you fool! Bring us humans of the remaining two blood types!
Loomis: I'm starting to get uncomfortable with this. I mean, kidnapping is fine, but what wholesome reason could you have for wanting their blood?
Xindi: We're... um...
Xindi 2: Vampires?
Xindi: Yes! Vampires!
Loomis: But the different blood types --
Xindi: Gourmet vampires.
Loomis: Well all right then.
T'Pol: The car's leaving.
Archer: Pursuit course, Ensign!
T'Pol: You're at the wheel.
Archer: Figures. Mayweather's never around when I actually care.
Loomis: Let's see... next blood type to get is B negative.
Archer: You're in luck! That's what I do best this season.
Loomis: Gah! How did you get in my house?
Archer: A better question might be, "How dare you sell out humanity to the Xindi, you spineless dsokdpach?"
Loomis: No, I think my question is better.
Archer: Fine. T'Pol gave the door lock a nerve pinch. Now let's discuss my question.
Loomis: I'm telling you, I don't know anything about them. All I know is they pay big money for bodily fluids.
Archer: Subcommander, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
T'Pol: I think so, Jon, but how would Phlox have gotten back to this time period?
Archer: We're going to infiltrate the Xindi's facility. Loomis will sneak me in.
Loomis: Why should I help you?
Archer: For the sake of humanity. For the sake of redeeming yourself for your crimes. For the sake of otherwise I'm stapling your face to the hull.
T'Pol: Was it really necessary to purchase burgers on the way over?
Archer: Compassion is what sets us apart from people like Loomis here. Even when it's compassion for people like Loomis here.
Loomis: Dang straight. You couldn't just let me stay hungry. And I had a hankerin' for the ground and heated corpses of formerly living animals.
T'Pol: He's rubbing it in! Make him stop!
Loomis: Hi. I've brought the next subject.
Xindi: Hmmm... looks a little dopey, but he'll do. Go find us the eighth.
Loomis: That one will take a while to find. Double O negative blood is pretty rare.
Xindi: We must have it! It is full-bodied and robust. But not --
Loomis: I know, Tom Green. What's that about, anyway?
Xindi: We find him amusing. He may keep his blood.
Loomis: They took the bait. Now we just relax and wait for you to lower your guard so I can escape.
T'Pol: That will not occur. If you attempt anything, I will fire.
Loomis: Hey, is that a laser gun? Awesome! Zow! Bang! Brrrrzap!
T'Pol: It is unnecessary to get excited.
Loomis: Sorry. It's my first raygun.
Archer: ZZZZZZZZZ
Xindi: Now to take a blood sample, just as with the others... not too much... actually, know what? I think I'll just eat this one's brain.
Archer: AAAAAAAAA!
Xindi: Psyche.
Loomis: Mind if I smoke?
T'Pol: Anything that makes you die sooner is fine by me. I wonder why the captain is late checking in....
Archer: (over the comm) Geez, nag nag nag. It looks like the Xindi have almost finished their device.
T'Pol: Then we must take action. Are you up to fighting them?
Archer: Ha! Three giant armoured reptiles versus one envelope-beaten Jonathan Archer? I won't break a sweat.
Xindi 2: OW!
Xindi 3: OW!
Archer: Any last words, you slimy son of a blatch?
Xindi: Giraffe.
Archer: Where?
Xindi: Yoink!
T'Pol: You let one get away?
Archer: (over the comm) Yeah... it turns out reptiles don't sweat at all.
T'Pol: Obviously you need my assistance. I'll be there as soon as I've dealt with Loomis's treachery.
Loomis: What the--? How did you know?
T'Pol: You could have hidden that knife in a less conspicuous place than your hair.
Xindi: Ha! You'll never catch me, Archer! For I am... the Gingerbread Man!
Archer: Don't joke about that! We lost three crew last week fighting off an invasion of gingerbread men. Stupid Expanse.
Loomis: Take that, you -- gyaa! What did you do to my knife?
T'Pol: Nerve pinch.
Loomis: Oh. Well, you wouldn't hurt me, right? Because I'm the lovable comic relief, right?
T'Pol: Evil little killers like you don't get off that easy on this show. Try Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Xindi: Stop! Don't come any closer or I'll release the virus!
Archer: Uh oh. He's missing two of the eight blood types, but the virus will still affect half the population.
T'Pol: What? Even if all blood types were just as -- I mean, for Surak's sake, that's -- ARRRGH!
Xindi: OWW!
Archer: Feeling better now, T'Pol?
T'Pol: Indeed. An ingenious plan, Captain: driving me into an apoplexy of illogic so that I would take out my frustration on the Xindi.
Archer: Yep. Plan.
Tucker: Welcome back, Cap'n.
Archer: Thanks, Tim. You'll be happy to hear our mission was a success. We even brought back some Xindi prisoners and tech.
Tucker: And donuts?
Archer: No donuts.
Tucker: I asked you to bring back donuts! When will we get another chance to try 'em? They're extinct now!
Archer: Sorry. But that reminds me, I did get you a humpback whale burger.
Cops: FREEZE!
Loomis: Aw, no fair! I was sure they'd bring me to the future with them as a wacky sidekick.
Cop: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose --
Loomis: Hey, you officers don't wanna arrest a guy as useful as me. Want some blood? I can get you blood.
Cop: If he talks any more I'm declaring an exception to our anti-police brutality regulation.
Loomis: What's your brand? O positive?
Cop: Okay, that was it.
(The cops beat up Loomis at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. You can't have any of his blood.
