Dear Dr. Lucas: I've checked the restraining order and it doesn't apply in the Expanse, so I'm resuming our correspondence. Isn't that good news? I have lots of time to write because -- one moment.
Phlox: Here you go.
Porthos: Ruff!
I don't think Porthos knows the difference between cheese and leeches. Anyway, here's what happened....
T'Pol: We've detected another transdimensional anomaly like the one last week. It's huge and right in our way.
Archer: Deliberate interference from the sphere-builders or writer fiat? Hmmm....
T'Pol: Either way, we can't afford to waste time going around it. Fortunately, Dr. Phlox has a plan.
Phlox: As you know, these anomalies are deadly to humans. But you could survive if I rendered you all comatose. Because a mindless physical phenomenon cares whether you're awake or not.
Archer: Could you handle being the One running the ship for a while?
Phlox: Please, Captain. We all know I really run the ship anyway.
I had been working on a way to knock the crew unconscious already, so that part was easy. My training was a little trickier.
Mayweather: This readout here shows our position.
Phlox: No problem. I've studied positions.
Mayweather: These buttons control the vertical. These control the horizontal.
Phlox: Spooky.
Mayweather: Now, pay very close attention. See the flashing red light here?
Phlox: Yes?
Mayweather: I want you to figure out what it means and tell me when I wake up.
Tucker: Pressure gauge is here. You gotta check it twice a day and once before you turn in. (ominously) She creeps.
Phlox: I'll keep that in mind.
Tucker: Listen, Doc... if somethin' goes wrong and you think you need my help....
Phlox: I know. Wake you.
Tucker: No, don't wake me! For Krod's sake, I'd die!
Phlox: I'll wake you.
Archer: I'm trusting you with my ship, Doctor. I know you can handle it. Especially since I activated your Emergency Command Phloxogram subroutine.
Phlox: You can count on me, sir. Now lie back and relax. Don't worry -- I'm an expert on anesthaesia.
Archer: AAAAAA! SPIDERS! SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!
Phlox: Whoops, that was arachnophobia.
Eventually I found my chloroform and hit him with it. I now have the ship to myself, and I'm enjoying the peace and quiet for my research.
Phlox: ...fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty! Sixty-one....
The situation also allows me to go skipping rope down the corridors whenever I please without fear of discovery.
Danny Kaye: The chalice with the palace holds the brew that is true Blue -- Labatt. Out Of The Blue.
Porthos: Ruff.
Phlox: I agree, the retro-commercialization of old movies was a bad idea. But I love this scene anyway. I'm a sucker for a good poisoning.
Mysterious Sound: THUMP
Phlox: Uh oh. That sounded mysterious. Let's pause the film and check it out.
Knight: The candidate pauses.
Phlox: Retro-interactivization was a bad idea too.
(THUMP)
Phlox: Hello? Anyone in here?
(THUMP)
Phlox: Is that you, Bessie? Did you get out of your rhino pen?
T'Pol: THUMP
Phlox: Whew! It's just you. I'd forgotten you were awake too.
T'Pol: Yes, you have been unclear on the subject. Your dialogue earlier never specified whether Vulcans are affected.
Phlox: Well, here you are in the flesh -- I'd say that settles it.
T'Pol: Mmmm... meaty. Your recipe for Vulcan plomeek tofu is highly nonstandard.
Phlox: How are you finding the quiet? Do you miss any of the crew? Such as Commander Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge?
T'Pol: If I did miss him, at least I would have your illegal surveillance tapes to remind me.
Phlox: Change of subject request noted. How have you been passing the time?
T'Pol: I find I have no interest in doing anything except when I am in your presence. It is unsettling.
Phlox: Well, you're an unsettling person. Just look how the amount of tofu on your plate stays the same no matter how much you eat.
(WHUMP)
Phlox: T'Pol, Bessie, whoever you are, knock it off. I'm trying to check this creepy pressure gauge.
(BOOM)
Phlox: What the--! Phlox to T'Pol! I'm sure I heard something this time!
T'Pol: (over the comm) My internal sensors are not detecting anything.
Phlox: I didn't say it was inside you.
Archer: ZZZZZZZZZZ
Phlox: You've been such a snoring conversationalist lately. You're all "ZZZ" this and "ZZZ" that. It's like talking to Zorro.
Archer's Window: Psst. Over here.
Phlox: What? Do you want me to look through you?
Archer's Window: Yep. Just enjoy the view. Of a SCARY MOVING SHADOW!
Phlox: AAAAAAAAAA!
Archer's Window: You're all "AAA" this and "AAA" that. It's like talking to an auto repairman.
Phlox: I'm telling you, I saw something out there on the wing!
T'Pol: It's not that I don't believe you, it's that I represent the fact that you don't believe you.
Phlox: Must you always be such a doubting T'Homas?
T'Pol: Wrong apostle. I'm T'Paul.
Ant Xindi 1:
Ant Xindi 2:
Phlox: AAAAA! Insectoids! Get away from Hoshi, or so help me, I'll flee in terror!
Ant Xindi 1:
Phlox: I warned you! (flees)
T'Pol: Doctor, you must consider the possibility that you are hallucinating.
Phlox: I saw them! I saw them and they're reeeeeal! Now if you're too Chicken Xindi to help me find them....
T'Pol: I assure you your insults go right through me.
(BUMP)
Phlox: There! I hear one now! DIE EVIL INSECTOID! (ZAP)
Porthos: RUFF!
Phlox: Um... oops?
Porthos: RUFF.
Phlox: Yes, yes, I'm sorry. But you can tell the other dogs you lost that bit of your tail in a fight. Besides, why did you make a "bump" sound?
T'Pol: It's his birthday.
Phlox: (sigh) Maybe she's right. This just keeps happening. I hear explosions. I see shiny sparks out the corner of my eye. I smell dead people.
Sato: (over the comm) Maybe you should spend less time in the morgue. Also, HELP!
Phlox: I'll be right there! You're still in Room 217, right?
Shower: RUN
Phlox: Hoshi? What are you doing in the shower? Can I --
Hoshi With Hideously Disfigured Face: HELLO!
Phlox: AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Hoshi With Hideously Disfigured Face: Geez, you scream like a girl. Anyway, you promised us we'd be fine! Look what happened! I'm Hoshi Sadako!
Phlox: Who?
Hoshi With Hideously Disfigured Face: Oh, I guess you'd have seen the American version. Samara, then.
Phlox: I've seen the Denobulan version. Seduxxxa.
Hoshi With Hideously Disfigured Face: Well, whatever. I've freaked you out, and that was the main goal. SEVEN DAYS.
Phlox: BRRRRRR. That was the scariest thing ever.
Archer: I think your feet are pretty stiff competition.
Phlox: Captain! No, this can't be real. People hallucinate about things they want.
Archer: Maybe you secretly want me.
Phlox: Ewwwwww! Oh Krod, the mental images! Out! Out!
Archer: Heheheh. I've owed you that since early Season 2.
Phlox: Gotta find T'Pol and tell her she was right. Maybe then she'll mind-meld these images out of my --
(BOOM)
Armored Figure: (stepping out of the shadows) Are you Phlox?
Phlox: AAAA! Who are you?
Armored Figure: My name is Samus Aran. I'm here to stop someone named Phlox. Is that you?
Phlox: ...No! Oh goodness no. Phlox? Never heard of him.
Samus: Then I'll keep looking. But if you lied, I'll be back.
Phlox: Lied? Ha ha! Lied! Good one! ...Um, just out of curiosity, what did this Phlox fellow do?
Samus: Word has it the damn fool cross-bred bats with Metroids.
Phlox: You were right, T'Pol. I'm hallucinating. Boy oh boy am I hallucinating. I'd better sedate myself and leave the ship to you.
T'Pol: No! I... I believe I have been affected as well. Examine my hair.
Phlox: Hey, it's going yellowish.
T'Pol: I think my intelligence is decreasing accordingly.
Phlox: Just like a dumb blonde to think hair colour affects intelligence.
So, at T'Pol's insistence, I've stayed awake. The hallucinations have continued....
Tom Paris: Help! Help! I'm on fire!
Phlox: Blow it out your ear.
....but I've gotten somewhat better at dealing with them.
T'Pol: Odd. We should be out of the anomaly now.
Phlox: Oh no... the sensors say we're still ten weeks away from normal space! Someone miscalculated!
T'Pol: Don't look at me, silly. I calculate good. 1.2 plus 3.5 is chimpanzee pie.
Phlox: We'll have to risk going to warp. I'll just take a minute to feed my menagerie first.
Bat-Metroids: SKREE
Phlox: Yes, you can go first. Here's your --
(BOOM)
Samus: Somebody lied.
Phlox: No! Don't shoot! They're just babies!
Samus: Baby biological weapons! Stand aside.
Phlox: (Only one chance... gotta distract her.) Look! Powerups!
Samus: WHERE? -- Dammit! Get back here, you little monsters!
Phlox: I'm definitely not going to miss these hallucinations.
T'Pol: I don't know how to start this warp drive. Maybe we'd better wake Mr. Tucker.
Phlox: No need. I'm hallucinating him as we speak.
Tucker: You'll faillll... you'll failll and everyone will dieeee....
Phlox: He's not being much help. But he's still more help than you, Miss I-Can't-Even-Push-A-Button-On-My-Own.
T'Pol: Stop making fun of me! Waaaaa!
Phlox: Why isn't this working? Is something wrong with the plasma relays?
T'Pol: Oh. Um, I kind of drank all the plasma. Sorry.
Phlox: Wonderful! Where are we going to get more?
(BOOM)
Samus: Ha! You Metroids thought you could hide in front of those relays, eh? Eat Plasma Beam! (ZAP ZAP ZAP)
Plasma Relays: (power up)
Phlox: A bit convenient, but I'll take it.
Computer: Warp drive: active. Speed: Warp 2. Current music: "Magic Carpet Ride."
Phlox: Yes! YES! I did it!
Bat-Metroids: SKREE
Phlox: And you helped.
T'Pol: Wait a minute. Doesn't this mean Samus isn't a hallucination?
Phlox: Hmm. I suppose it does.
T'Pol: Then how does she keep breaking the laws of physics? Jumping on thin air, freezing flying objects in place, morphing her entire body into a ball....
Samus: I would explain it to you, but according to my X-Ray Scope, you're not really here. Besides, I have bat-Metroids to kill.
Phlox: They just saved my crew! Doesn't that prove they mean no harm?
Samus: Hmmmmm... let me think about it. I'll gather some powerups and get back to you.
Archer: ZZZZZZZZ... huh? Oh, hi, Phlox. Are we clear?
Phlox: We are indeed.
Archer: Great. Nice work. Anything unusual happen while I was out?
Phlox: Er... not much. All work and no play, you know the drill. Anyway, here's Porthos!
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff ruff RUFF!
Archer: He did WHAT to your tail?
Phlox: Um, heh heh. Gotta go. Lots of crew to wake up.
T'Pol: I will be glad to get some rest. Perhaps my hair will return to normal.
Phlox: Well, here we are at your -- oh, look. You've been here regenerating in your alcove the whole time.
T'Pol: Shocking and unexpected.
Phlox: Yep.
Samus: I just got a call -- I'm needed on SR388. I'm going to have to take a chance on these bat-Metroids of yours.
Phlox: I assure you there's nothing to worry about.
Samus: Good. Because if I find out otherwise, you'll be coughing up Super Missiles for months.
Phlox: Well, good luck to you. Oh, before you go...
Samus: No, I'm not going to pay for the damage I caused exploding bombs all over the ship.
Phlox: Very well. It'll have to come out of my video sales.
I hope you've found this story interesting, Dr. Lucas. The rest of the crew certainly thought so.
Reed: There was a hot chick in battle armour and I SLEPT THROUGH IT?
But I for one will be glad to get back to my normal life. Hallucinations can't compare to medicine, pimpin', killing species....
Phlox's Animals: (nervous squawking)
....or, most of all, stalking you. Yours truly, Dr. Josef Torrance Phlox.
(The letter is sent at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Gee, wonder if he's a big Metroid fan?
