Sato: I hope this Vulcan bag enjoys my quarters. Grumble.
T’Pol: Something wrong?
Sato: Do you know how much work it’s been to clear the place out? I had to move my books, my clothes, my debris collection, the lock of hair I keep to remember Marcus Cole by....
T’Pol: Who?
Sato: Guy I met on my inter-universe travels. He was bilingual. Rowr.
Archer: Do the quarters pass inspection?
T’Pol: Yes, I think she’ll be happy here. I wouldn’t be, but maybe Hoshi’s smell will be easier on her.
Sato: I heard that.
Archer: Well, as long as she doesn’t demand quarters that face the other way. People like that are such a --
Sato: I’m standing right here!
Mayweather: ....and then you fold the second flap in to the centre, just like the first....
Archer: AAAAA! Who left Travis in command? Sorry, Your Highness, it won’t happen again.
Important Mazarite: Hey, let him finish! We’ve almost got paper airplane technology.
Archer: Maybe later. (Guards, kill Travis.) Anyway, where’s the Vulcan?
Important Mazarite: The one standing next to you, or the lawbreaking one on a shuttle heading for your ship?
Archer: The first one. Wait, the second. Wait, never mind.
V’Lar: Hi, Captain. I’m V’Lar, but you can call me just V’L.
Archer: Um... no thanks. So what’s with the friendliness? T’Pol, why didn’t you warn me there was a friendly Vulcan?
T’Pol: I didn’t know. Excuse me while I glare at her.
V’Lar: I hope the rest of you are this much fun.
Tucker: ...and here’s our Chef’s specialty. He calls it “stuff Reed shoots, flambé.”
V’Lar: Sounds delicious. Does he do ethnic foods? Andorian, Mexican, that sort of thing?
Tucker: He hasn’t done Mexican since the court order, but we get antenna stew on occasion.
V’Lar: Mmmmm... meaty.
Archer: T’Pol, stop glaring! Another minute and her hair is going to catch fire!
V’Lar: Thanks for walking me back to your quarters.
T’Pol: Don’t thank me, thank the captain for handcuffing us together. Would you mind unlocking me now?
V’Lar: I sense... anger.
Archer: I can tell you’re upset, T’Pol. Is it my new haircut?
T’Pol: Yes. Also V’Lar, that humane criminal blatch.
Archer: Hey, she’s not so bad. Except the criminal part. And “humane” doesn’t mean “human-like.”
T’Pol: On my homeworld, it does.
Archer: I see.
T’Pol: On my homeworld, it is an expletive.
Captain: (over the comm) We’d like V’Lar back, please.
Archer: That’s not exactly going to happen, unless you have a coupon.
Captain: I do! It’s in my pocket somewhere... gimme a sec to find it....
Archer: And while he’s distracted, we’ll polarize the hull plating. Right, Reed?
Reed: Pardon? Sorry, I was sending my weekly “What I’ve Shot” report to Chef.
Sato: We’re hit!
Archer: Target that explosion and fire!
Reed: That would mean firing at ourselves.
Archer: Don’t contradict me, mister!
Reed: Woohoo! We’ve disabled the Mazarite ship.
Archer: Excuse me? We’ve differently abled the ship. Get it right. T’Pol, any idea why they came back?
T’Pol: Maybe V’Lar isn’t really a Vulcan. You know, like the original T’Pel.
Archer: You are the most confusing person I know.
V’Lar: No, I can’t tell you why they want me. No, I can’t give you a good reason to protect me. No, I can’t rub my stomach and pat my head at the same time. Any more questions?
Archer: Boxers or briefs?
T’Pol: Shut up, Archer. I think it’s clear that V’Lar is a disgusting traitor who should be punished like anything.
V’Lar: As opposed to the other kind of disgusting traitor.
T’Pol: You shut up too!
Archer: Okay, folks, I’ve decided on a plan. We’re going to turn the ship around and head back.
T’Pol: A good, good plan, sir.
Archer: Thank you. Archer to Mayweather: set a course for Earth!
Forrest: You’re messing up again, stupid. The Vulcans will vampirize us for this!
Archer: My every instinct tells me to hand over V’Lar to be mauled. I’m just going where my heart will take me, Admiral.
Forrest: I suppose I can’t argue with that. Just remember that if you fail --
Archer: -- Starfleet will deny all knowledge of my existence. I know, I know.
Tucker: I wish we were on Risa right now.
Reed: Me too.
Tucker: Do you suppose that when we get there, we’ll end up wishing we were here?
Reed: Hah! Not likely.
V’Lar: Let’s reconcile, T’P.
T’Pol: Don’t call me that! As far as I’m concerned, you’re just a humane --
V’Lar: T’Pol! My virgin ears! Look, if I tell you all my secrets, will you start taking my side?
T’Pol: Do you know the secret of how they put the caramel in the Caramilk bar?
V’Lar: Yes.
T’Pol: All right, we have a deal.
Porthos: Ruff ruff ruff! Rufffffff rufffffff rufffffff! Ruff ruff ruff!
Archer: Good boy. Oh, hi T’Pol. I’m teaching Porthos to bark in Morse code.
T’Pol: I don’t think he’s enjoying it.
Archer: Don’t be silly. So, have you come to talk me out of my plan?
T’Pol: Yes, and I’d like you to keep in mind how often that worked with Janeway.
Archer: You’re no Seven, honey.
T’Pol: D@mn straight! I’m a nine out of nine any day.
Archer: Okay, Travis, turn the ship around.
Mayweather: Let me get this straight... we’re heading for the Vulcan ship now?
Archer: Vulcans? NEVER! No, no, wait, that is indeed the plan. Sorry, gut reaction there.
Mayweather: So for the Vulcans now, right?
Archer: Vulcans? NEVER! Wait, that’s -- stop doing that!
V’Lar: Time to tell you all my secrets. First of all, they do it by suction.
Archer: Who do what?
V’Lar: Never mind. Second, I’m not really in disgrace -- I was conducting a big sting operation.
Archer: I see.
V’Lar: And now I feel guilty, so turn back around and give me up.
Archer: I see.
V’Lar: Well?
Archer: I see.
T’Pol: Oh... sorry, V’Lar. I hypnotized him to make him agree, and I don’t think he’s out of it yet.
Captain: (over the comm) And then I do what with the top corner?
Archer: Travis! I can’t leave you alone out here for three seconds, can I? Look, Mr. Mazarite Guy, we’re now going to show your our top speed. Also our dust.
Captain: You can’t. The speed limit in this sector is Warp 3 for some environmental reason.
Archer: Heh. Next time, come up with a plausible lie.
Tucker: (over the comm) We’re gonna lose warp! I cannae hold ’er any longer!
Archer: Okay, new plan: we all act out a convincing scene to distract the Mazarites.
V’Lar: Oo, oo! Who do I play?
Archer: It really doesn’t work that way, V’Lar.
V’Lar: Aw.
Archer: Welcome aboard. It’s our custom to immediately play a full game of Monopoly with all visitors --
Captain: Where are you hiding the Vulcan?
Archer: Okay, you win. She’s under the bed.
Captain: Which one?
Archer: Oh, one of them.
Captain: There must be 150 on your ship!
Archer: Yeah, it’s one of those.
T’Pol: (Pssst... Captain, the plan isn’t to make him so mad he kills YOU.)
Archer: I see.
Mayweather: (over the comm) The Vulcans are here!
Archer: What? Fire all weap-- wait, wait, never mind. You Mazarites can get off my ship now.
Captain: Fine. You’ve won this round. But I shall return!
Archer: Not likely -- I don’t see Jeffrey Combs under that makeup.
Captain’s Log: The fight is done and we kind of won, so we sound our victory cheer....
V’Lar: Farewell, Captain. Thanks for the memories.
Archer: I thought I told Phlox to wipe them.
T’Pol: He’s getting negligent lately. By the way, what’s Porthos doing here?
Archer: He’s going to say goodbye to V’Lar in Morse code in Vulcan. Check it out.
Porthos: Ruff rufffffff! Rufffffff ruff! Rufffffff rufffffff ruff! Ruff! Ruff rufffffff ruff ruff!
V’Lar: Captain! I certainly shall never set foot on this ship again!
Archer: Whoops. That may have been Vulcan for “humane.”
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He's a big Angela Lansbury fan.
