Sato: Vulcans are hailing us.
Archer: Oh, kill me now. On screen.
Tavin: (over the comm) Aloha, dudes! Wazzaaaaap?
Tucker: A smiling Vulcan at the end of the teaser -- sir, do you realize what this means?
Archer: Sweet heaven, it's The Final Frontier all over again! Reed, arm the phase cannons!
Reed: I never disarm them, sir.
Tavin: Mmmmmmmm... meaty!
Archer: You people are seriously freaking me out. Are you sure you're Vulcans?
Tavin: Does a Vulcan bear spit in the woods?
Archer: Um....
T'Pol: It does, sir.
Archer: Ah. Okay, but Vulcans are uncool. Explain why you're ununcool... well, cool, I guess.
Tavin: That's easy: we're Protestant Vulcans. We didn't like the rules, so we made up our own.
Archer: That definition is seriously going to offend people, but whatever works for you....
Tavin: No no, not works. Faith alone.
Kov: Hi, I'm --
Tucker: Holy mother of Godzilla! You're SO fat!
Kov: Yeah. So?
Tucker: But... but how can that be logical?
Tavin: There's a finite amount of matter in the universe. The more of it is in me, the more important I am in percentage terms. Are you going to finish that?
Tucker: This is Porthos!
Tavin: You didn't answer the question.
T'Pol: Those guys give me the heebie-jeebies.
Archer: Well, I can't order you to work with them, but I can order you to work with them.
T'Pol: How can one sentence be too long for you to keep continuity?
Tolaris: Hi there. Haven't we met before... in my sweet, sweet dreams?
T'Pol: Vorik?
Tolaris: No! Why does everyone make that mistake? It's not like we look and talk exactly the same....
T'Pol: Well, forget it. I have to work with you now, so we should get along, but can the pickup lines.
Tolaris: Don't be silly. Nobody cans cheese.
Tucker: Mmmm, this lunch is great. Now all my digestive system needs is a chat about the details of Vulcan reproduction.
Kov: It's simple, really. The men get freaky every seven years.
Tucker: And the women?
Kov: Shh! Let's not spoil the speculation.
Reed: Hang on, I'm confused. Isn't the Vulcan pon farr an intensely taboo subject that nobody talks about for fear of decapitation?
Kov: You're probably thinking of the Vulcan PMS.
T'Pol: You keep a Surak action figure on your bridge?
Tolaris: You bet! We even have a little toy grave for him to roll in.
T'Pol: I think I'm going to go meditate to get your mental stench off me.
Tolaris: No, wait! Don't meditate -- that's a waste of time.
T'Pol: Can you give me even one reason I should consider trying that?
Tolaris: No.
T'Pol: It's probably safe, then.
Forrester: (over the comm) Hello, screwup.
Archer: You don't have to call me that every time.
Forrester: No, I don't have to. Anyway, the Vulcan Pope is dying and would like you to ask his son to call.
Archer: Isn't he the guy who excommunicated them?
Forrester: Noooo, that was the Vulcan Dalai Lama. Of course it was him, you moron! Just deliver the message and get it right for once, okay?
Archer: I don't have to take this from you. I quit.
Forrester: Fine -- I declare Travis the captain.
Archer: Um, never mind.
Forrester: Thought so.
T'Pol: And now, a dream sequence.
Reed: That's cheap. I had one just last episode.
T'Pol: Yes, but I like mine better. I didn't get to make out with a good-looking guy in yours, right?
Reed: Um... well, that kind of depends on....
T'Pol: Right.
Archer: Your father is dying and wants you to call. Here's a quarter if money's a problem.
Kov: No way! The last time we talked, he accused me of apostasy and tried to sell me an indulgence.
Archer: I have no idea what you're talking about, so it can't be important. Call your freaking dad already.
Kov: Make me.
Archer: Chicken.
Kov: Nyaa nyaa.
Phlox: So you had a dream last night? That's great! This is a major step in your developing humanity, Seven.
T'Pol: Who the --
Phlox: Here, wear this cortical monitor next time so I can spy on... I mean, track your vital signs.
T'Pol: But I --
Phlox: No time to chat! You're late for your shift in Astrometrics. Run along now. La donna e mobile... qual piuma al vento....
Archer: I've had no luck with the fat guy. Go do my job for me.
Tucker: I'll need some incentive.
Archer: Well, I have this quarter....
Tucker: Sold!
Tolaris: Did you sleep well? Because I'll bet your blanket did.
T'Pol: What did I say about pickup lines?
Tolaris: That they turn you on?
Tucker: So there I was, about to ask the girl in the red dress to dance, when suddenly this guy walked up to me....
Morpheus: You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged.
Tucker: What are you talking about?
Morpheus: Are you listening to me, Charles? Or were you looking at the girl in the red dress?
Tucker: I was--
Morpheus: Look again.
Tucker: So I turned around, and suddenly this guy in a suit pulled a gun on me! And that's my story of regret.
Kov: Are you completely out of your mind?
Tucker: Not yet, but I have high hopes.
T'Pol: All right, you win. Let's try another experiment.
Tolaris: Sure. There's this little-known Vulcan technique called a mind meld....
T'Pol: Excuse me? I know what a mind meld is. Any idiot knows. Porthos, you do, right?
Porthos: Ruff!
Tolaris: (How did he get in here?) Okay, you're ticking me off. Time for the other half of "sex and violence."
T'Pol: What are you talking about? We haven't done either half.
Tolaris: That does it, I'm getting the Hammer of Crushing.
Kov: So I called my dad.
Tucker: Sweet! Can I persuade or can I persuade?
Kov: No, but I wanted to check if I would inherit his big pointy hat.
Tolaris: You called?
Archer: Yes. I just wanted to say that you're complete scum and should die.
Tolaris: This has something to do with your dog, right?
Archer: How dare you talk about T'Pol that way?
Tolaris: Oh, whatever. You illogical people aren't worth bothering with.
Archer: Take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it, along with your repressed emotions!
Tolaris: I already did.
Archer: Oh yeah. I guess we're done here, then. You can go.
Captain's Starlog: We've told those heretics to shove off.
Porthos: Ruff?
Archer: Because we'd pretty much used up the metaphor, that's why.
T'Pol: Ohm... ohm... ohm....
Archer: Good to see you're meditating again.
T'Pol: Who's meditating? I'm reciting physics terms.
Archer: Whatever. I just thought I'd drop by to make sure you're recovering and such.
T'Pol: Don't worry, I feel great. I got back at that wad.
Archer: How?
T'Pol: This is his Hawaiian shirt I'm wearing.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Feel free to complain about the religious humour in this week's edition, but he'll probably excommunicate you.
