Archer: Travis, set a course for the ghost ship planet.
Mayweather: Woohoo! At last, a vehicle for my criminally-underused character!
T’Pol: Some would say mercifully underused. And how is this a vehicle for you?
Mayweather: I tell ghost stories, remember?
T’Pol: No.
Tucker: That was on Sporeworld, T’Pol. You were there.
T’Pol: No, my robot duplicate was there. I send it on missions where it looks like you’ll hit on me.
Tucker: And if I do?
T’Pol: Then it has a very nice surprise for you.
Intercom: You are now entering the Ghost Ship of Evil and Pain. Remember to stop at the gift shop on the way out.
Tucker: Oh, shoot! Left my money on the ship. I’d better go back and get it.
Archer: Nice try, Trip.
Tucker: Hey, do you hear something?
T’Pol: No. I think this Discman may be broken.
Tucker: No, I mean there’s a spooky sound that --
T’Pol: Ahhhh, now it’s starting. Much better.
Mayweather: You know, Captain, your support and guidance have really meant a lot to me. In fact, I think --
Archer: Just because it’s your last scene doesn’t mean you have to talk this much.
Mayweather: Last scene? But this was my vehicle! How can it be my last scene of the episode?
Archer: At least I talked T’Pol down from “of the season.” And that was down from “of the series.”
Tucker: Wow! A secret garden!
Liana: Hi.
Tucker: With a girl in it!
Many Kantare: Hi.
Tucker: ....and also an army. There goes my Frances Hodgson Burnett theory.
Sato: Ever since then, I’ve been wandering from series to series, each one a subtle variation on the last.
Quinn Mallory: You’ve definitely got the experience we’re looking for. Can you act?
Sato: Can I? You haven’t lived till you’ve seen my John Rhys-Davies impression.
Maggie Beckett: Excuse me, Quinn. Is this woman trying to join our cast?
Quinn: Yeah. Is that a problem?
Maggie: We’ve discussed this! Remember? Wade?
Quinn: Ohhhh, right. No cuter female characters than you or you walk.
Maggie: That wasn’t my phrasing, but it’s the general point. Sorry, Miss....
Sato: Hoshi.
Maggie: Hoshi. Here, take my uncle’s business card; he may have a job for you.
Sato: Thanks. And don’t worry, I’m not mad -- I’m mostly flattered to hear that I’m cuter than you.
Maggie: Quinn, there will be pain later.
Archer: Greetings, friends!
Kantare: Humph.
Archer: Uh oh. The only answer I studied for was “Greetings right back atcha.” T’Pol, how do I win now?
T’Pol: For the last time, you don’t win a first contact. Anyway, try making a small peace offering to break the ice.
Archer: Got it. (ahem) Greetings, friends! Please have my ship!
Liana: Hey, do you hear something?
Tucker: That’s just T’Pol banging her head against the wall. Say, don’t I know you?
Liana: I doubt it. I pretty much live in a cave.
Tucker: Well, you look familiar, and that’s grounds for pass-making. Wanna see a movie?
Liana: What’s playing?
Tucker: The Matrix.
Liana: Su--
Maya: NO! I forbid my daughter to see that movie!
Tucker: Why? It’s just about someone discovering that everything around him has been an illusion for his whole --
Maya: Shhhh! SHHHH!
Kuulan: Captain, I’d like you to meet Ezral, one of the Founders of our community.
Archer: Pleased to meet you, Prospero.
Ezral: My name is Ezral.
Archer: Then why did Kuulan say it was Prospero?
Ezral: He didn’t!
Archer: He did so. T’Pol?
T’Pol: I heard Prospero.
Ezral: Well, the name is Ezral. Get it right.
Archer: Okay, Prospe--
Ezral: EZRAL!
Archer: Oh, right! Sorry.
T’Pol: You’re being pretty blatant with your dalliance.
Tucker: All I did was ask her out. You’re just jealous.
T’Pol: I’m not the only officer who’s concerned about this. Here’s another....
Data: Commander, what are your intentions toward my daughter?
Tucker: Gyaa! Where’d HE come from?
T’Pol: You and cross-series jokes just don’t get along, do you?
Reed: Captain, that ship is much older than they’re saying. About 300 years.
Archer: Holy cow -- it’s the Jupiter 2! We’ve found it!
Reed: My scans also revealed that the ship isn’t fictional.
Archer: Oh. So much for that idea.
Tucker: This concludes our tour of the ship.
Liana: What tour? The only place you showed me was your quarters, where there were scented candles and jazz music for some reason.
Tucker: I guess we have time for one more room. How about Sickbay?
Liana: Okay. What’s your doctor like?
Tucker: Nothing unusual. He’s chubby, I guess....
Liana: Oh strange new world, that hath such people in it!
Sato: Oh, and I agree completely with all your theories.
Al Calavicci: You can stop sucking up now -- you’re hired. Welcome aboard!
Sato: Thank you so much, Admiral. I’ve had a lot of trouble finding the right show to work on.
Al: Well, honey, your troubles are over. Now lemme introduce you to the other half of the cast. Hey Sam, get over here!
Sam Beckett: Something wrong, Al?
Sato: Oh... boy.
Sam: Hi there, ma’am. Al, is this the new employee?
Al: Yeah. You okay, Hoshi? You’re paler than my first wife’s wedding dress.
Sato: Um. Mr. Calavicci, thanks very much for your time, but I need to run screaming now.
Al: Well, there she goes, Sam... the only person I ever met who knew more languages than you.
Sam: Huh. Was it something I said?
Reed: I just found some escape pods orbiting the planet. Funny how I never noticed them before.
Archer: Guess they were hiding. Bring one aboard.
T’Pol: Captain, you need to break this habit! What did you say when we found the sleeping Klingons? “Bring one aboard.” What did you say when the Suliban shot warp grenades at us? “Bring one aboard.” What did you say when we ran into the giant space bees? “Bring one aboard.”
Archer: Exactly. Now let’s bring one aboard.
Liana: Hey, do you hear something?
Tucker: That’s T’Pol again -- Jon’s two for two today. Hey, know what you should do? Leave home forever.
Liana: Why? I’m very happy cooped up in a small space on a small planet for my entire life. It worked for Jim Carrey in The Truman Show.
Tucker: Yeah, but there’s a difference: nobody he knew was real.
Reed: Here’s the pod, but it’s marked “Do Not Open Until Stardate 99239.1.”
Archer: What the frell is a stardate? Just open it. Phlox, take scans.
Phlox: All right, but I remind you I’m doing this under protest... dead people are icky.
Kuulan: Hey, you were snooping around!
Tucker: Who, me? Naw. I was, um, scooping a round. Ball of ice cream. Yeah.
Kuulan: I don’t understand you people. How can you think that fixing our ship for free gives you the right to look into our situation?
Tucker: If that doesn’t, what would?
Kuulan: Pie.
Liana: I think I’m falling for him, Mom. I know it’s forbidden, but I can’t help --
Maya: Stop that right now. Do you want to turn us into a Fiddler on the Roof ripoff?
Liana: But --
Maya: Do you want to turn us into a Fiddler on the Roof ripoff?
Liana: ....No.
Maya: Good girl. Now go help your sisters with the challeh.
Archer: Time to send an away team to find out what Prospero’s really up to. Reed, you get to pick the redshirts.
Reed: I’m honoured, sir. Shall we take the transporter?
Archer: Malcolm! I’m surprised at you. Such disrespect for fair play.
Archer: Hi, Kantare people. We’ve come to --
Reed: YEOW!
Tucker: Oh my God -- they shot Malcolm! You bastards!
Archer: Are you all right, Mr. Reed?
Reed: Not really, sir. I was recently shot.
Archer: We’d better fight back, then. Everybody aim for the holoemitters!
Sato: And then he walked in and it was all “new boss, same as the old boss.” So here I am on a psychiatrist’s couch doubting my sanity.
Doctor Who: Madam, the world is almost entirely composed of the unusual. If we are to survive, we must face what we do not wish to see.
Sato: But where do I go from here? If I stop changing series, I won’t get fooled again, but where else is left for me?
Doctor Who: Your life is yours, Ensign. I can offer only this advice: though the road goes ever on and on, in the end it always leads home.
Sato: I’d better go, but thanks for listening. You said all the right things.
Doctor Who: Perhaps. Or perhaps someone very much like me, in a place very much like this one, said those right things to you.
Sato: You’re weird, you know that?
Holoemitters: WAIT! Don’t shoot!
Tucker: Captain?
Archer: No mercy, Trip. Fire.
Holoemitters: NOOOOOO!
All the Kandare: NOOOOOO!
Ezral: Um... uh... “NOOOOOO!”
Tucker: You’re not fooling anybody.
Ezral: Nuts.
Archer: Enough shadowplay, Prospy. What’s really going on here?
Ezral: Okay, you got me. The others were all holograms.
Archer: They were units of mass?
Tucker: Fake people, sir. I’ve seen the tec--
Archer: Don’t remind us of “Unexpected,” Trip.
Ezral: Liana, I hope you understand that I was just doing what was best for you.
Liana: By lying to me every single minute of my life?
Ezral: Not all of them! I once went a full ten lie-free minutes -- I have it on tape.
Liana: Well, I just hope you’ll be nicer to Trip and the others now. They’re good people, even if they keep calling you Prospero for some reason.
Ezral: All right, all right... but you’re still not watching The Matrix.
Captain’s Starlog: Them holograms are nothing but trouble. Let’s hope Starfleet doesn’t run into them again.
Ezral: (over the comm) It’s time to leave home and explore the universe. Farewell, Captain, and thanks.
Archer: Not a problem, Prezral. Good luck.
Mayweather: Captain, we’re getting another hail -- it’s Hoshi!
Sato: (over the comm) Hi, Captain... I’ve decided it’s time to stop exploring the universe and come home. Permission to embark?
Archer: Granted, Hoshi. Granted.
T’Pol: Isn’t this great? Another ending without loose ends.
Tucker: But I never got Liana kissage in this version!
Archer: And I still hear a faint barking noise.
T’Pol: Details, details.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. "Challeh" is a traditional Jewish bread prepared for special occasions, in case you're wondering.
