T'Pol: What, no peaches?
Tucker: I'm fresh out, and you don't treat 'em right anyway. Let's just get our neuropressure on. Hey, you ever wonder if the crew thinks you're gettin' horizontal with me?
T'Pol: I'm sure they're intelligent enough to realize that would never happen. No, wait, I'm forgetting what ship I'm on.
Tucker: Do I owe you one "Hey!" or two?
Archer: The alien DNA isn't quite gone from my arm. Can you take a look?
Phlox: This is not alien DNA, Captain... it's a bruise. I think this is the part of your arm you bang against the table every time you hear the word "Xindi."
Archer: Xindi? (WHAM) ....Owwww....
Captain's Starlog: We've arrived at a planet to pick up some Trellium-D, which will insulate us from the anomalies. Frankly, the sooner the better. The corridors aren't supposed to have speed bumps and Porthos keeps turning into a wildebeest.
Guy: Hi! Welcome to the marketplace. What kind of worthless alien junk are you looking for?
Reed: Anything with big barrels.
Guy: The hookers are over that way.
Archer: Pardon my security chief, he's an idiot. Which way to the chemist's shop?
Guy: That way. But you'd get more chemistry from the hookers, wink wink.
Archer: You can stop talking now.
B'Rat: You must be the ones who wanted the Trellium-D. Can you pay for it?
Archer: We'll pay, dammit! So help me, we'll pay for this!
Tucker: Pardon my captain, he's an idiot. I suggest you give him something to do while we work out payment.
B'Rat: Certainly. Captain, it might interest you to know that there were some Xindi here recently.
Archer: Xindi?
Reed: Ow! Watch that arm, sir!
Pimp: Well hello, gentlemen. What sort of pimpage can I hook you up with?
Archer: That's not what I'm here for. I'm Jonathan Archer and I'd like to ask you about the Xindi.
Pimp: Archer, eh? You just make sure your doctor stays up on the ship. This is my territory.
Tucker: Any luck?
Reed: He wouldn't tell us anything, and it looked like I was getting somewhere on the hooker front, but then I found out he was going to charge me.
Tucker: Aliens can be pretty mean. We ready to head back, Cap'n?
Archer: Yes, let's --
Rajiin: Wait! Take me with you!
Archer: Sure, hop on board.
Reed: What? We can't save her and not the others.
Archer: A journey of a thousand hookers begins with a single skank.
Phlox: Well, our miss Rajiin here seems to be in perfect health.
Reed: She might still be a security risk. I'll have to inspect her.
Archer: No, I don't think you will. Where do you come from, Rajiin?
Rajiin: I was enslaved pretty young, but I remember that it was a planet. With people.
Archer: Um... I'm afraid it may take us some time to narrow that down.
Rajiin: Oh, I'm aware.
Tucker: Here's your payment for the Trellium-D recipe. Spices, like you asked.
B'Rat: Hmm... the mélange looks fine, but I don't take chili powder here.
Tucker: Shoot. Cap'n, have you got change for a salt shaker?
Archer: Hi, come on i-- whoa. Where did you get that dress?
Rajiin: Dr. Phlox provided it. He had a surprisingly large supply of women's clothing on hand. So why did you invite shy, unassuming me to dinner?
Archer: I want to get to know you better. Specifically, any part of you that knows about the Xindi.
Rajiin: Well, that's certainly preferable to the parts your security chief wants to get to know.
Tucker: Making this Trellium-D is gonna be really dangerous.
Archer: Not as dangerous as flying around without it. The only one who might explode this way is you.
Tucker: Your concern is touching. Can I at least get some help?
T'Pol: I will assist you, Mr. Tucker. That is, unfortunately, my current job description.
Rajiin: I want to... thank you for helping me, Captain.
Archer: You're welcome.
Rajiin: No, I don't want to thank you, I want to... thank you.
Archer: Oh, okay. You're... welcome.
Rajiin: (sigh) Seducing you wasn't supposed to be the hard part.
Tucker: Dagnabbit! It exploded again!
T'Pol: Are you certain you purchased Trellium-D and not Trilithium-D?
Tucker: They're not the same? I thought we wanted to make it so the ship could explode stars by flying through them.
T'Pol: You clearly need some neuropressure. And I need smarter coworkers, but no one cares.
Sato: Hi. You're that girl we rescued, right?
Rajiin: Yes, and I want to... thank you for that.
Sato: But I wasn't remotely involved.
Rajiin: Look, just let me do my pseudo-sexual telepathic brainscan thing, all right? Honestly, you people....
T'Pol: What are you doing in my quarters?
Rajiin: I just stopped by to thank you. Wait, I forgot the pause. Let me try again.
T'Pol: I don't think so. If you wish to scan my brain, you'll have to get in a catfight first.
Rajiin: What?
T'Pol: I'm sorry, it's just how things work around here.
Tucker: T'Pol? I'm here for my... hey! What the centrifuge is going on here?
Rajiin: Oh, um, nothing, we were just VASE IN THE FACE!
Tucker: OW! Tucker to Security! You've gotta stop Rajiin!
Reed: (over the comm) Can I inspect her afterwards?
Tucker and Rajiin: No.
Reptile Xindi: (over the comm) Did you succeed?
Rajiin: Yes, I scanned the -- will you excuse me for a sec?
Security Guard: You're under arrest, ma'am.
Rajiin: I know, and I'd like to... thank you for arresting me.
Security Guard: Whoaaaaa... (KLONK)
Rajiin: Sorry, where were we?
Security Squad: HALT!
Rajiin: Rats, there are more of you than I can thank at once.
Archer: You won't be thanking anybody in the near future. Take her to the brig.
Security Guy: We have a brig now?
Archer: I know, isn't it great?
Phlox: T'Pol's badly hurt, but she'll survive. It appears the sheer power of her cynicism acted as a mental barrier against Rajiin.
Tucker: That's my girl.
Sato: (over the comm) She is not your girl.
Tucker: Is that jealousy I hear?
Sato: No, I have standing orders from her to contradict you when she can't do it herself.
Archer: How could you betray us like this? I trusted you!
Rajiin: Meh.
Archer: You... you hurt my feelings!
Rajiin: Your feelings mean about as much to me as a sack of vacuum.
Archer: Must not cry... newer, meaner Archer not supposed to cry... must... not....
Mayweather: I'm picking up a Xindi ship on an intercept course. And oh crap, look who's in command.
Reed: Launch all the torpedoes! All phasers, FIRE!
Mayweather: Sir, do we really want to use up all the torpedoes at once?
Reed: I gave you an order, mister!
Archer: Why? Why? Why won't you --
Rajiin: Oh, for crying out loud! If I tell you why they sent me, will you shut up?
Archer: Maybe.
Rajiin: I'm gathering data for a bioweapon.
Archer: Why? Why? Why were you gathering data for a bioweapon? Whyyyyy?
Rajiin: I hate him.
Reed: They're trying to board us! FIRE TORPEDOES!
Mayweather: We already fired the torpedoes, remember? We also fired the phasers, and the grappler, and the laser pointers, and the cutlery, and everything else you could think of. There's nothing left to fire.
Reed: You're fired.
Mayweather: I stand corrected.
MACO: We've repelled the boarders, but they got away with Rajiin. Wh-- were you crying?
Archer: (sob) No.
MACO: Whatever. We did kill one of them.
Archer: Get the corpse to Phlox. He likes corpses.
Phlox: My first reaction was "Oo, a corpse," but then I scanned it and found something even more Oo-worthy. This Xindi was genetically enhanced.
Archer: That sounds familiar. I'm sure I've heard it somewhere before....
Tucker: The Suliban, Cap'n.
Archer: ...if only I could put my finger on it....
Sloth Xindi: You attacked the humans directly? It was too soon!
Reptile Xindi: Perhaps, but now we have information. Bring in Rajiin!
Rajiin: Here's the anatomical data I gathered about humans.
Reptile Xindi: And in particular...?
Rajiin: (sigh) Their rear ends can't do that thing you were talking about.
Walrus Xindi: At last! A major success!
(The Xindi celebrate at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He wishes he could pay his tuition in spices.
