Stuart Reed: Son? What son? I have no son.
Mary Reed: Don't mind my husband, Captain -- he's got Kyle Riker envy. What can we do for you?
Archer: Well, I was wondering if you knew what your son's favourite food is. I figure food is a good birthday present since he's always griping about how terrible yours was....
Mary Reed: Son? What son? I have no son.
Sato: Sigh...I really, really need a good subplot.
Archer: Hey Hoshi, find out Reed's favourite food.
Sato: I said a GOOD subplot!
T'Pol: Hey, the alien ship is back.
Archer: Greetings, friends!
Aliens:
Archer: Oh, come on. This is reeeeally getting tedious.
Aliens:
Archer: I hereby claim all your possessions, unless you voice an objection.
Aliens:
Archer: Woohoo! I get all their--
T'Pol: They just blew up half the ship and left.
Archer: Cheaters.
Archer: Ah, the first day of hostilities...back in the High Guard, we called it D Minus Zero.
Tucker: You were never in the High Guard. Now, about phasers....
Reed: NO! For the love of heaven, don't say "phasers"! Say "phase cannons" or something.
Tucker: Whatever. Anyway, either we don't have any or we only have one, depending on how well you remember "Broken Bow."
Archer: You're telling me we left spacedock without phase cannons?
Reed: They weren't going to be installed until Tuesday.
Archer: This calls for drastic and wildly out-of-character action.
Archer: Mr. Mayweather, set a course...for home.
Mayweather: Yes, ma'am!
Archer: It's not crunch time yet, Travis. I'll let you know when.
Reed: Engineers, countrymen, and redshirts! Hear me for my words, and be silent that you may hear.
Engineers: Huh?
Tucker: What my British friend is trying to say is that we want you to break your backs installing the phase cannons, so as to make Archer's detour pointless.
Engineers: Okay. But you'll help, right?
Tucker: Er...yes, of course. We'll help. (Reed, hide the ping-pong table.)
Madeline Reed: He's always been partial to sustained beam weapons, but pretty much anything with a big gauge will make him happy.
Sato: No, no. I asked what his favourite food was.
Madeline: He EATS? I've never seen him away from his gun collection -- I figured he could absorb energy from the sun or something!
Mayweather: Poor Hoshi. Even Reed's sister won't assist her.
T'Pol: Why are you grinning?
Mayweather: "Sister"? "Assist her"? Get it? ....OWWWWWW!
T'Pol: T'Pol to Sato. If Travis could talk at the moment, he would suggest that you speak to Reed directly. Right, Travis?
Mayweather: ....whimper....
Sato: So, what food do you like?
Reed: Oh my God, she's coming on to me! AAAAAAAAA!
Sato: Um...Sickbay, can you get someone up here? Malcolm just ran straight at the wall and knocked himself out.
T'Pol: The evil ship's back.
Archer: Evasive maneuvers!
T'Pol: OOF! There go our shields.
Archer: I said evasive maneuvers! ...um, T'Pol, may I ask why my pilot is in a crumpled heap on the floor?
T'Pol: No.
Archer: Gentlemen, the aliens have boarded the ship in Bay 2; we'll be heading there with nonviolent intentions and big guns.
Redshirts: Roger.
Archer: One other thing. You may encounter Enterprise crewmen who have already been assimilated. Don't hesitate to fire -- believe me, you'll be doing them a favour.
Redshirts: Ummm....
Archer: What?
Unfortunate Redshirt: GAK!
Archer: You! The aliens! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Aliens:
Archer: Oh, for Pete's-- that does it! Just kill them!
Tucker: On what charge?
Archer: We'll call it illegal use of CGI.
T'Pol: The aliens got away, and also killed our probes.
Archer: Well, let's just continue towards Earth. Above all, we must not check Bay 2 for any traps they left.
Tucker: What's this I hear about you making the redshirts work in life-threatening conditions?
Reed: That pretty much sums it up, actually.
Tucker: Then let's argue about it.
Reed: Words before blows: is it so, countrymen?
Tucker: And stop confusing "British" with "Brutus"!
Archer: So we could forge ahead, throwing the crew's lives away, or we could get help from the Vulcans.
Tucker: Not even in jest, Jon.
Archer: Yeah, but see, now I'm getting guilt over my "mistakes" in the pilot which were in fact not mistakes.
Tucker: That sounds familiar. Anyway, the crew will follow you into any danger when the alternative means Vulcans. You made anti-Vulcan bigotry a requirement for coming aboard, remember?
Archer: Hey, that's right! Thanks -- I feel much better now.
T'Pol: (over the comm) Yeah, you feel better.
Tucker: Sorry I got mad. Let's risk some lives!
Reed: Okay, but do not stain the even virtue of our Enterprise.
Tucker: That does it. One more Brutus line -- ONE -- and I break out the Hammer of Crushing.
Captain's Starlog: The Ides of March are come, but not gone. Or so the ship's soothsayer says.
Archer: Time to test the new weapons. Ready down there, Ensign?
Ensign Goosefood: (over the comm) Ready!
Archer: Okay, Reed...fire!
Goosefood: Hey, what the-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Archer: Malcolm, you idiot! You were supposed to shoot the apple off his head, not blow up the whole asteroid!
Reed: Gee, sorrrrry. Maybe you wanna try playing William Tell next time.
T'Pol: An archer would indeed be the logical choice....
Tucker: Hmm...the aliens left this hemisphere behind. Let's blame all our problems on it.
Archer: I think I'll talk to it, too. (ahem) You aliens think you're pretty smart, don't you? Well, we're not giving in, so kiss my big fat human a--
T'Pol: It's not that fat.
Archer and Tucker: GASP!
T'Pol: Er...not that I'd notice, of course....
Sato: Any idea what Reed likes to eat?
Phlox: Of course. As the ship's cook and morale officer, I keep track of that sort of thing.
Sato: No need to be sarcastic.
Phlox: Who's being sarcastic?
T'Pol: The evil ship is hailing us.
Archer: Aha! My bold speech converted them.
"Archer": (over the comm) Human not smart. You ll giv in pretty well. H a h a h a h a.
T'Pol: Sounds more like they converted your bold speech.
Archer: Shut up.
Phase Cannons: bzzap bzzap bzzap
Reed: Oh, come on!
Phase Cannons: BRRRRRZAP! BRRRRRZAP! BRRRRRZAP!
Reed: That's more like it.
Archer: Woohoo! We've beaten the evil aliens, so there's no more reason to go back to Earth.
T'Pol: What about the overloaded phase cannons? And the other damaged systems? And the fact that we're already halfway there?
Archer: Don't pester me with facts. Facts are for the weak.
Sato: Happy birthday! Have a cake.
Reed: Um...hooray. Food instead of weapons. That was exactly what I wanted. Wow. Thank you ever so much.
Sato: Well, it wasn't just me -- Archer and Trip here were in on the conspiracy.
Reed: Et tu, Brute? Then fall Caesar!
Tucker: Okay, you were warned. Hammer time.
Mayweather: You'd think they would have invited me to their little party. But no, Travis "The only friend we actually know Malcolm has at this point" Mayweather gets to look after the dog.
Porthos: Ruff!
Mayweather: I hear you, buddy.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He's a little more talkative than the evil aliens.
