Archer: This gas giant is so cool! We sure couldn't see stuff like this back home.
T'Pol: B--
Mayweather: Whose turn is it to shut her up?
Sato: Mine, I think.
Mayweather: Aw, no fair! I haven't had a chance yet....
T'Pol: L--
Mayweather and Sato: Shut up!
Archer: Well done, you two. Hey, wait a sec...is that a ship in distress?
T'Pol: Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you!
Mayweather: Don't make us say it again, Subcommander.
Reed: Ah-CHOO!
Phlox: You stupid idiot. Millions of diseases out there, and you catch the one I can't cure. I laugh at your patheticness.
Reed: Isn't your bedside manner usually better than this?
Phlox: Ha! Where were you last week when I doomed an entire species?
Sato: I wanna go on the mission.
Archer: I trust you're familiar with the admission fee?
Sato: Yeah, but couldn't I just pay you in credits or Porthos-sitting or something?
Archer: It isn't negotiable.
Sato: Sigh...all right, gratuitous end-of-episode cheesecake it is.
Reed: Welcome to the away team. Now you're not going to scream this time, right?
Sato: Right. But it goes both ways -- no puns out of you.
Reed: I suppose that's fair. What does T'Pol have to refrain from?
Mayweather: (over the comm) Talking.
T'Pol: You're not the boss of --
Mayweather: Shut up!
Reed: The air should be okay. Let's doff our helmets.
Sato: You did check, right?
Reed: Say, that's not a bad idea. Anyone got a canary?
Sato: "Cry havoc and let slip the" -- HEY! This text is Klingon!
Reed: Klingon, eh? T'Pol....
T'Pol: Look, I would have told you, but --
Mayweather: (over the comm) Shut up!
T'Pol: See?
Archer: (over the comm) Found the titular Sleeping Dogs yet?
T'Pol: If you mean the Klingons, then yes.
Archer: Good. Let them lie.
Reed: So what do we do now?
T'Pol: Clearly what this episode needs is a crisis of some kind. I'm thinking "violent Klingon woman steals our shuttle."
Reed: Very well. Hoshi, hail Voyager.
Bu'kaH: Do you ladies mind if I hurt him?
Sato: Not at all.
Bu'kaH: (over the comm) Calling all Klingons: kill the freaking humans already!
Archer: We should probably stop her or something. What do we call that quaint not-quite-tractor-beam again?
Tucker: "The Grappler." I named it after my favourite WWF star.
Archer: Okay, use that. But be aware that if you build a giant torpedo and call it "the Rock," you will be killed.
Tucker: Noted.
Ensign Goosefood: Okay, step out of the shuttlepod...nice and slow.... Ow.
Bu'kaH: You wear the shirt; you know the risks. Hey, how can Archer and Tucker both be here? Who's running the ship?
Mayweather: (over the comm) That would be me.
Bu'kaH: GASP! What's wrong with you, Captain?
Archer: Look, it was an emergency situation, okay?
T'Pol: Okay, we have to escape this ship somehow.
Reed: Escape, eh? That reminds me of -- escape pods!
T'Pol: Your brilliance notwithstanding, I'd prefer something they have.
Sato: Well, I could read some consoles until we find an eject button or something.
T'Pol: I like it. Oh, and let's take off the suits to put ourselves at risk.
Archer: I have a brilliant idea. We'll fly Enterprise into the planet and....
Mayweather: And what?
Archer: I forgot what was going to come after that. Never mind.
Sato: Hmm...this looks like the science console.
T'Pol: You must be reading that wrong.
Reed: Did somebody mention torpedoes?
Sato: No.
Reed: Sorry.
Sato: Okay, so this next console --
Reed: How about phasers?
Sato: No!
Reed: Sorry. I'll be quiet.
Sato: Good. Now the --
Reed: What about missiles, then? Any missiles?
Sato: Go away!
Archer: So, think you could help us?
Bu'kaH: HA! Let me go before I send for a Bird of Pr--
Everyone: GASP!
Bu'kaH: Oh no! Did I just say... Noooo! I'm sorry! Don't kill me!
Archer: I'm afraid it's a little late for that. Guards, get rid of this scum.
Mayweather: ....and apparently it's a Raptor-class scout. Don't ask me why I know that.
Archer: Tough little ship.
Tucker: Little?
Klingon Captain: Bla, bla, bla. Plot exposition, you know the drill. Why am I recording logs, anyway? It's not very Klingon. I think I'll shoot the recorder.
Sato: At that point, the log stops for some reason.
T'Pol: Gee, wonder w--
Mayweather: (over the comm) Shut up!
Tucker: So what do we do now? You've had a vital character killed!
Archer: Sounds like somebody wants to take over for her.
Tucker: You don't mean --
Archer: Welcome aboard.
Tucker: Nooooooo! Why can't you just get Porthos to do it?
Archer: He's sleeping. Duh.
Sato: Man, the food in here is disgusting! Worms...saber-toothed dogs...and YIKES! What kind of vile, hideous Klingon meal is this?
T'Pol: That's a leola root soufflé. Will you calm down?
Sato: No! I'm entitled to a panic attack, darn it!
T'Pol: Sigh...I'll help you out with my mad telepathy skills.
Sato: I don't suppose it occurred to you to ask if I had a moral problem with that.
T'Pol: Nope, can't say it did.
Reed: I've got a new plan: firing the weapons.
Sato: Good thinking -- the explosions will push us upward.
Reed: Really? Bonus!
Tucker: I'm having trouble getting in character. What's the deal with these Klingons, anyway?
Archer: According to my research, their society is based on the concept of --
Tucker: Honour?
Archer: Don't interrupt. As I was saying, the concept of jerkness. Every Klingon's goal is to be as big a jerk as possible; those whose jerk level is outstanding become authority figures.
Tucker: Hmm...maybe I fit this role better than I thought.
Reed: I love firing torpedoes! Wheeeee!
Sato: Careful, we're running o--
Mayweather: (over the comm) Shut up!
Sato: Travis?
Mayweather: Oops! Sorry. Thought you were T'Pol.
Tucker: There's the ship. But why is it drifting upwards?
Archer: Maybe it's been designed to serve as a flotation device.
Tucker: Don't make me serve as a crushing-Archer-with-a-giant-hammer device.
T'Pol: Took you guys long enough.
Archer: Shut up. Anyway, say hello to our Klingon friend Bu'kaH.
Reed: Hi, Trip.
Archer: Bu'kaH! Pay attention, Malcolm!
Captain's Starlog: I've ordered the away team to stay on the ship and repair it. That'll teach 'em to sass me.
Tucker: Okay, now we'll fix the -- stop snickering!
Sato: Sorry. You can't really blame us, though.
T'Pol: Personally, I think you make a bootylicious Klingon.
Tucker: Grrrrr...why isn't somebody shutting you up?
Mayweather: (over the comm) Look, even I take coffee breaks.
Archer: ....and then we fixed your ship, cured your disease, and left mints on your pillows.
Klingon Captain: RARRRRR! For this act of aggression, you must be DESTROYED!
Archer: Okay, that does it. No more saving your society.
Mayweather: Jon, there is an historic opportunity here.
Archer: Don't believe them! Don't trust them!
Mayweather: They're dying.
Archer: Let them die!
Klingon Captain: Okay, that reference went right over our heads.
Sato: And so the episode ends. At least my cheesecake scene will be mercifully brief.
Reed: What's your rush? Decon is nothing to freak on.
Sato: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Reed: Hey, you promised not to scream.
Sato: And you promised not to make puns.
Reed: Fine, you win.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He doesn't have a dog, but his cat is probably sleeping right now.
