Archer: Having fun?
T'Pol: I won't dignify that with an answer, but I'll ask if I can stay the night.
Archer: Sure. Why?
T'Pol: I don't know...the idea just popped into my head.
The Idea: I was in Tucker's head originally, but it was too dirty there.
Mayweather: So I was walking down the corridor with some friends and suddenly this ghost appeared and shouted "BOO!" and we all ran.
Cutler: Your ghost stories need work, kid.
Tucker: EEEEEEK! Scorpion! Kill it kill it kill it!
Mayweather: Killing is wrong; we should be peaceful and serene, like the weather outside.
Cutler: Storm! Storm!
Mayweather: Okay, bad example. How 'bout the weather in May?
Tucker: Egotist.
Reed: ....and so the away team is trapped in a cave.
Archer: Boring. Here, hold this basketball.
Reed: That's a nice touch -- Ben Sisko had a ball too.
Archer: Yes, but my balls are way bigger than his.
Tucker: Looks like the camp is utterly destroyed....
T'Pol: Well, that's one way of letting go.
Mayweather: AAAAA! I saw rock creatures!
Tucker: Suuuuuuuure you did. But we'll look around if it'll shut you up.
Novakovich: Don't any of you care about that poor dog? I'm going out there to find the little guy!
Mayweather: Think we should tell him the captain already brought Porthos back up to the ship?
T'Pol: Absolutely not.
Rock Creature: I'll see your five and raise you two.
T'Pol: I'll see that and raise twenty.
Rock Creature: You've gotta be bluffing.
T'Pol: Vulcans never bluff. Oh, hi Cutler. Meet some rock creatures.
Cutler: Eep.
Tucker: She was what?
Cutler: Playing poker with the aliens! I saw her!
Tucker: Was it strip poker?
Cutler: Yeah.
Tucker: Damn!
T'Pol: Come on, use a little logic...rock creatures don't wear clothes. How would they play strip poker?
Tucker: Gee, beats me. I'll ask someone who knows. Hey T'Pol, how do rock creatures play strip poker?
T'Pol: There are other rhetorical devices besides sarcasm, you know.
Tucker: Sure there are.
Archer: Here I come to save the day!
Reed: The wind just increased very slightly.
Archer: AAAAA! Turn us around!
T'Pol: Look, we can talk this over like reasonable people, maybe get some parameters defined.
Tucker: No, I don't think so. Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a scorpion that wanted to cross a river, so it crawled into my sleeping bag to ask for help and I killed it with my phase pistol. The moral: don't mess with me.
T'Pol: Three weeks ago I didn't even know your name. Now I wish I still didn't.
Phlox: I've removed the rocks, so he should be--
Novakovich: You removed WHAT?
Phlox: Those rocks that were stuck in your skin after the transporter accident.
Novakovich: Oh. My mistake. Carry on.
Archer: Listen, Trip: you're being turned stupider than usual by pollen.
Tucker: (over the comm) Why should I listen if all you're going to do is insult me?
Archer: Just don't shoot T'Pol, okay? Please?
Tucker: I'm not listening to you anymore, you insulter.
T'Pol: I'm not sure the Mulder/Scully parallel between us is obvious enough yet. What do you think?
Tucker: You know what I think? I think you're hiding something -- probably a vast government conspiracy backed by aliens.
T'Pol: That's the spirit!
Phlox: Um...I blew it, sir. He's not fine. In fact, he's dead-ish.
Archer: I'd fire you, but I don't know where else to find a CMO who invents bizarre words.
Phlox: That's splexcellent news.
Archer: (over the comm) Look, Trip, I'm serious! This pollen will kill you horribly!
Tucker: A likely story. Tell me something more realistic and we'll talk.
Archer: Okay. T'Pol, tell him the truth about the conspiracy.
T'Pol: Whoa. Okay, the conspiracy would be...the Vulcan High Council sent me here to, er, send these rock monsters back in time to assassinate JFK.
Tucker: At last the truth is known! Well, my work here is done, so I'll lower my phaser.
T'Pol: Thanks. Ready...aim....
Tucker: OW!
Archer: (over the comm) Is he okay?
T'Pol: Yeah. I must have hit the wrong button.
Tucker: Oof. Well, that was pretty humiliating.
T'Pol: What, the rampant paranoia?
Tucker: The fact that I wasn't the one who saw you playing strip poker. I should never have offended the Luck Gods.
Luck Gods: Don't even speak our names, you punk.
T'Pol: Oh, forget them. How 'bout a moonlight sail on Lake George?
Tucker: Sounds like fun.
T'Pol: Sorry about the interruptions. So we have a deal?
Rock Creature: Yes, all settled. This Kennedy won't know what hit him.
T'Pol: Excellent. We'll have to have a rematch some time.
Rock Creature: Agreed -- I must have my revenge!
T'Pol: Oh, like you could beat me, Mr. "I Think I Can Win With a Pair of Threes."
(Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He doesn't usually include this much J/C innuendo.
