Tucker: We never do anything fun. You know, like intruding on peaceful monks.
Archer: Archer to bridge. On the advice of my chief engineer, we're making a detour.
Tucker: I didn't actually advise anything.
Archer: I know, but I'll need someone to blame if things go wrong.
T'Pol: Sigh...I just know those two are going to embarrass me.
Phlox: Could be worse. I could be coming too.
T'Pol: If you're determined to go make fools of yourselves, I'd better at least explain the rules so you don't make fools of yourselves.
Archer: Did you follow that, Trip?
Tucker: I got as far as "determined" and then gave up and started thinking about football.
Archer: Hey, me too. Who do you like in the Grey Cup this year?
Tucker: The what?
Vulcan Elder: Welcome to our monastery. Now get out before someone sees you.
Archer: Like who? The blue aliens behind that partition?
Elder: No, they'll probably leave you alone unless you attack them.
Tucker: I'd say that's our cue.
Shran: GRAAAAAAAAR!
Archer: "GRAAAAAAAAR"?
Shran: Just announcing my bullheadedness and aggression. Now what are you pinkos doing here? And why did you bring this model?
T'Pol: I'm flattered.
Shran: What I meant was a model of deceit and condescension.
T'Pol: And like I said, I'm flattered.
Elder: Now that we're captured, I should probably explain. Those guys are Andorians from Andor....
Tucker: And/or what?
Archer: Ignore him. You were saying?
Elder: ....and they think we're hiding a really big sensor from them.
Tucker: Do they think it's on a ship? Because censorship is wrong, you know.
Archer: Trip, do I need to duct-tape your mouth shut again?
Shran: Give me your information or I'll punch you again.
Archer: What kind of threat is that? You've missed every time.
Shran: For the last time, those were not misses. They were practice swings.
Reed: Reed to Archer. What's going on down there?
Shran: (over the comm) Nothing unusual. I'm Archer, by the way. Have I mentioned that lately?
Reed: Are you okay? Your voice sounds different....
Shran: The air down here is, um, thick. But don't worry about Captain Archer, who is me. All is well.
Reed: Gee, "Captain Archer," I really think you should come back. Your wife Porthos is worried about you.
Shran: Tell her I'm just fine, and make it very clear that I have not been kidnapped by Andorians.
Reed: Oh, I will.
T'Pol: We need a plan.
Elder: What a brilliant observation. The humans pay you for this?
Archer: Actually, we only pay her to stand around in that catsuit. The rest is extra.
Elder: I had a feeling. Anyway, if you absolutely have to have a plan, you can go get the rusty old transmitter in our catacombs.
Archer: We're devising our own plan, you Vulcan snob. Trip, how's it coming?
Tucker: Well, I've figured out what to do with the rhinoceros, but I'm still stuck on how to get it here.
Archer: ....In conclusion, let's get the transmitter.
Initiate: This dark tunnel seems oddly bright...HEY! Commander, will you please stop setting fire to our honoured ancestors?
Tucker: But they burn so well! Nothing bursts into flames like old, dried-out Vulcans. Hey, got any marshmallows?
Archer: Here, you can share my blanket.
T'Pol: I'm tired of your attempts to get me to sleep with you.
Archer: In a sense, you're doing that already. So the logical thing to do would be--
T'Pol: Oh, who gives a hoot about logic?
Vulcans: GASP!
T'Pol: Oops. Ummm...let's just pretend it was my evil twin who said that, okay?
Tucker: There, it's working! Tucker to Reed...are you getting this?
Reed: Sure, "Commander Tucker." Heh. Glad you called -- your son Porthos was getting worried.
Tucker: What? Oh God, NO! I knew that shore leave on Caninus 2 would come back to haunt me!
Reed: Okay, you've convinced me you're Tucker. And now I really wish you hadn't.
Archer: If you take me out to the atrium, I'll give you information.
Shran: Is that a transparent ruse aimed to let you test a hypothesis?
Archer: Actually, it's aimed to get me beat up again. You Andorians have awakened my innate masochism.
Sato: Ready to beam down, guys?
Reed: Just a sec. Where's the rhinoceros? It was here just a minute ago....
Phlox: (over the comm) AAAAAA! Oh God, there's a rhinoceros in sickbay! Somebody help!
Reed: My mistake -- that part of the plan is under control.
Tholos: Hey baby, what's your sign?
T'Pol: Before you continue with these pickup lines, it may interest you to know that I'm 130.
Tholos: Okay, that's way too freaky for me. I'm outta here.
T'Pol: Heh...wonder if he'll eventually realize I was talking about pounds.
Reed: CHARRRRGE!
Shran: Uh oh. Quick, everybody into those tunnels.
Tholos: But it's dark in there!
Shran: Not to worry -- those flaming mummies will light our way.
Archer: All things considered, I think the best solution to the problem is a violent gunfight in your sacred reliquary.
Initiate: Fair enough. I'll come along and shoot random things.
Shran: Die, you fool! DIEEEE!
Archer: Hey, not to spoil the mood, but doesn't that giant metal door look like it might have a sensor array behind it?
Shran: There's only one way to find out: killing you!
Archer: How about opening the door?
Shran: Hmm...now that you mention it, that could also work.
Archer: Time to test your loyalty, T'Pol. I order you to give Shran your scans of the sensor.
T'Pol: Okay.
Archer: And your issues of National Geographic.
T'Pol: Fine.
Archer: And your videotapes of Trip in decon.
T'Pol: Captain, be reasonable!
Shran: Thanks, Arch-boy. And sorry I kept beating you up.
Archer: Hey, I'd be more inclined to complain if you'd landed a single punch.
Tucker: Good to be back on board...but now I have a difficult task to undertake.
T'Pol: Oh?
Tucker: I need to come to terms with my estranged son.
T'Pol: T'Pol to Porthos. Hide.
(Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He's not hiding a gigantic sensor array in his basement as far as you know.
