Tucker: I don't see anything unusual so far... except Malcolm's EVA suit.
Archer: He's right, Lieutenant. Sawed-off multicannons on each limb aren't regulation.
Reed: It's a matter of learning from the past. Let's see some mine try to spear me now.
Tucker: Whoa! I just relived a memory from Earth!
Archer: That's impossible.
Tucker: But it was so real! I was with my girlfriend and --
Archer: Girlfriend? You? This is serious. We'd better get you back to the ship.
Reed: You go first, sir. I'll lay down some covering fire.
Phlox: Mr. Tucker is perfectly healthy. I didn't really have to make him stand around in underwear to determine that, but it seemed the thing to do.
Archer: Then how do you explain his out-of-body experience?
Tucker: What's to explain? I worked in a garage for a couple of summers.
Archer: That's your auto-body experience, Trip.
T'Pol: Is Commander Tucker still in the decontamination room? I wish to participate.
Archer: Not now. We need to get the ship un-eaten -- they did this story on Andromeda once and the ending was really stupid.
T'Pol: Perhaps we could smoke ourselves out.
Archer: You're not setting fire to my little wooden boy!
T'Pol: Control yourself, Captain. No one wishes to harm your Chakotay action figure.
Rostov: (over the comm) Engineering to Bridge.
Archer: Hey, it's Rostov. I remember you from such episodes as "Vox Sola" and "Two Days and Two Nights."
Mayweather: (shudder) The Aibo....
Rostov: Captain, I think we may have a problem with Trip. He's acting weird, and not in a pregnant way.
Archer: I'll go talk to him. Where is he?
Rostov: He walked off saying something about "consuming mass quantities."
Archer: Mess hall it is.
Tucker: Mmmmm... meaty! Oh, hello, Tucker's friends. How are you?
Reed: Well-armed. What have you done with him?
Tucker: Don't worry, he's safe. We Wisps are just using his body and mind for a while.
T'Pol: I imagine the mind is of little use.
Archer: Quiet, T'Pol. How do we get Trip back?
Tucker: We can return him now if you really want. But he's having fun. He's feeling sensations he's never experienced before.
T'Pol: Such as female affection?
Archer: I'm leaving you on the bridge next time.
Tucker: Whoa! Now that was a trip.
Reed: But are you? We'd better make sure. Say something only the real Commander Tucker would.
Tucker: Have you always gotta be so security-minded, Malcolm?
Archer: I'd say that qualifies.
T'Pol: If the Wisps wish to experience life from our perspective, perhaps we should allow them. It could be an enlightening experience.
Archer: When they refuse to let us back into our bodies, you mean?
T'Pol: Indeed. We would learn a valuable lesson about trust.
Archer: I don't know... I'm usually all for learning things the hard way, but this time it runs counter to my deep-seated mistrust of everyone who isn't me.
T'Pol: Very well. I will inform them that you would prefer to pointlessly resist.
Captain's Starlog: And about that giant ship of theirs. What do Wisps need with a starship?
Phlox: (over the comm) Sir, a Wisp just tried to possess me. Can we stop calling them that? It's stupid.
Archer: What happened? You don't sound wispy.
Phlox: I guess our species aren't compatible. Such a shame.
Wisp: Actually, I got one look at his memories and bolted. He kills species!
Phlox: Hey! It was just that once.
Wisp: Whatever you say, species-killer.
Reed: Hi, T'Pol. Wanna get naked? You're close enough in those pyjamas.
T'Pol: I'll have you know that minimal bedclothes are very logical. Why are you in my quarters?
Reed: Hoshi turned me down. Now gimme some sugar -- Vulcan sugar!
T'Pol: T'Pol to Security. Mr. Reed is showing signs of possession.
Reed: Let's rock the casbah -- the Vulcan casbah!
T'Pol: And stupidity.
Guards: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose --
Archer: That's not necessary, boys. You only have to read them their rights on Miranda-class starships. T'Pol, are you okay?
T'Pol: Indeed, Captain, but we must warn the crew. The Wisps are clearly not taking no for an answer.
Archer: Well, maybe they'll be satisfied with just Reed.
Rostov: (over the comm) Engineering to Archer -- Vulcan Archer! Whee!
Archer: Or maybe not.
Sato: We're getting possession reports from all over the ship, sir.
Archer: How about trafficking? We can really nail them for that.
T'Pol: What the captain is trying to say is "Have the guards confine each victim to quarters."
Guards: (over the comm) What are we, Crossing guards?
Mayweather: Doo de doo de doo....
Wisp: Little does Travis know I'm sneaking up behind him.
Mayweather: Pardon?
Wisp: Oh, nothing. Hey! Get out of the catwalk.
Mayweather: Can't follow me in here, eh?
Wisp: I'm just concerned for your career. The captain ordered you to Engineering and I don't know how you think this is on the way.
Sato: Travis says the Wisps can't get into the catwalk.
Archer: Do you think it's too soon to cram everyone in there again?
Sato: Beats me, a Wisp just got me. Vulcan me.
T'Pol: I'm starting to find that offensive.
Archer: All hands, this is your captain speaking. Those of you who are not possessed, please proceed to the catwalk. Those of you who are, do not listen to the preceding order.
T'Pol: We've now assembled 79 of the original crew here. That leaves 22 animated by Wisps.
Archer: Well done, Subcommander... wait a minute. Our crew complement is 83.
T'Pol: The human capacity for reproduction is, indeed, disturbing.
Phlox: I leave you alone with Hoshi's body for two minutes and you break it....
Sato: Actually, I'm fine. This was just a trick. Speaking of which, WO-PAH!
Phlox: You don't know kung fu.
Sato: Nuts.
T'Pol: I have a plan to stop the Wisps, sir. I will allow them to possess me and use the link to find a weakness.
Archer: And then we debate whether it's more like "Best of Both Worlds" or "Unimatrix Zero." I like it.
Mayweather: But, sir! What was wrong with my plan?
Archer: Where are we going to get the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at a time like this?
Mayweather: We wouldn't need all of them. Two or three would be fine.
Wisp: Gotcha!
T'Pol: Fascinating. The Wisps' favourite colour is ecru.
Wisp: Hey! Are you cheating?
T'Pol: And they failed English 235 seven times each. And they enjoy the Power Rangers. And --
Wisp: Aaaaa! Run before she figures out our real age and weight!
Other Wisp: Wait, we're not 29?
T'Pol: (over the comm) My mission was successful, sir. We can defeat the Wisps by gassing them and going to warp.
Archer: Well done. Now we just need a way to carry that out.
Mayweather: What about --
Archer: No horsemen!
Mayweather: Aw.
Phlox: Stupid bulky EVA suit. You owe me big for this.
Archer: (over the comm) We'll talk about it later. Have you turned the delightfully-retro dials yet?
Phlox: Yes.
Archer: Good. Now you should see six green lights.
Phlox: There are four li--
Archer: Oh, shut up.
Mayweather: Captain! Mr. Tucker just punched me and left!
Archer: Oh, brilliant. Did we even check whether his Wisp was gone before we brought him in here?
Guards: Don't look at us. Jerk.
Phlox: I'm ready to release the gas, Captain. No cracks.
Archer: (over the comm) Wait! Look out! Tucker's going to --
Tucker: OW!
Phlox: Not to worry, sir. I took the precaution of using Mr. Reed's EVA suit.
Gas: SEEEEEP
Wisps: Stupid gas. Screw this, we're going home.
Archer: Wait for it....
Wisps: Vulcan home.
T'Pol: Grumble.
Archer: Success! Now all that's left is to escape.
T'Pol: Captain, we must make sure the aliens do not attempt this again.
Archer: So we what, destroy their ship? That's way too harsh.
T'Pol: You didn't consider it too harsh when we wiped out the space bees' entire civilization.
Archer: That was different. You weren't in favour of that.
T'Pol: ....Captain, I demand that we leave without harming the aliens in any way.
Archer: Fire all weapons!
Captain's Starlog: We've escaped the aliens, but the crew who were Wisped are still feeling a bit mixed up. I've brought in a special counselor to help their recovery.
Reed: I feel so bad about all those things I did while possessed. And what's worse is what I didn't do -- get it on with T'Pol.
Porthos: Ruff!
Reed: What do you mean, how does that make me feel? Bummed, obviously.
Porthos: Ruff ruff.
Reed: I will not stop using that word. Bum bum bum bum bum.
Porthos: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Sato: Um... look, Doctor! Cheese!
Porthos: Ruff! Ruffruffruff!
Reed: Thanks, Hoshi.
Sato: Just don't do it again. That was my last piece.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over two years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. If you thought the Aibo gag from "Two Days" was dumb, feel free to interpret Mayweather's shudder as a comment on the gag itself.
