Transporter: WHOOSH
Sato: Wow... that wasn't so bad.
Reed: Are you sure? Don't you think a trip to decon might be in order?
Tucker: Hey, knock it off.
Reed: It's a matter of crew security, dammit!
Sato: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? --Hey, did I say "faintest"?
Archer: I hear you had your first transport. How do you feel?
Sato: Oh, just fine. Maybe a little pale.
Archer: You know, I've always wondered what it's like to be beamed....
Sato: Um, sir? You were beamed. Remember our first mission?
Archer: That really happened? What with the "four days to Qo'noS at Warp 5" thing, I figured it was a mass hallucination.
Mayweather: And that was when the ghost of Cyrus Ramsey showed up and scored the winning touchdown.
Tucker: Your team really should have been penalized for that. Hey, you okay, Hoshi?
Sato: Of course I am! What makes you think I'm uncomfortable talking about the ghost of the victim of a famously grisly transporter accident?
Tucker: Well, you did just eat your knife.
Sato: Do I look different to you, Doctor?
Phlox: Very much so, but don't be alarmed. Our species are quite dissimilar.
Sato: I didn't say different from... oh, never mind. Can you just scan me?
Phlox: Certainly. The results will be ready in six hours.
Sato: Six hours?
Phlox: This Alf marathon isn't going to watch itself.
Archer: (over the comm) Wake up! Trip and Travis were captured and the bridge needs you!
Sato: You're going to play bridge at a time like this?
Archer: Not until you get here. Travis was our fourth.
Alien: Thi sisanou tra ge! Ho wdar eyous e ndusth eseb o ri ngch ara cters!
Archer: Tell the alien we meant no harm, and then threaten him with harm.
Sato: Sir, I can't make heads or tails of that language!
Archer: Try! Maybe they can't either.
Sato: Um... iwa ntal lyo u rpie... I just can't do it!
T'Pol: That's all right, Ensign. Mr. Tucker's life is at stake.
Sato: You have to help me, Doctor! Water just passed through me in the shower and I felt like 4.46 million Americans were watching me!
Phlox: Don't worry, my dear. Let's have a look at the results of your scan... Oh my God! You've eaten a knife!
Sato: Look, forget about that. Am I losing cohesion?
Phlox: Anyone who eats knives is losing cohesion.
T'Pol: Congratulations, Ensign. Your failure did not result in deaths.
Sato: That's wonderful!
T'Pol: ....Wonderful. Yes. At any rate, Captain Archer has given your position to Crewman Sue, who deciphered the alien language.
Sato: Mary? She couldn't decipher a Don't Walk sign!
T'Pol: The relevant point is that we all like her more than you.
Tucker: Care for a spin in my gyro?
Sato: That's either the dizzing apparatus you're using or the worst pickup line I've ever heard. No thanks, I'm not feeling well.
Tucker: Maybe you should get some rest.
Sato: You men are all alike... always trying to get me into bed.
Tucker: Don't be silly. Anyway, I'm done my workout for today. You know where my quarters are.
Sato: No I don't.
Tucker: S'okay, I'll be in yours.
Sato: Oof... that's the last time I fall asleep while lifting weights.
Tucker: Tucker to bridge. No good, Captain -- Hoshi's not here either.
Sato: What? I'm right here, you doofus.
T'Pol: My superior vision confirms Mr. Tucker's report. We will proceed to check the vegetable bins. T'Pol out.
Sato: Hey... I think I'm invisible! Like Casper or Harvey or Chevy Chase!
Tucker: Did you just hear something illogical?
T'Pol: Eternally.
Tucker: We've checked the whole ship for her. What could have happened?
Archer: We should ask Crewman Sue. She knows everything.
Phlox: That won't be necessary, Captain. My scans, which I'd have read more carefully if not for Alf, show that Hoshi is slowly dissolving.
T'Pol: Are you implying that she has taken my place as the Invisible Woman?
Sato: Cry me a river, you -- hey, wait a second. Vegetable bins?
Reed: I'm so sorry, sir. The log shows that I forgot to pull the "Do Not Dissolve" lever.
Archer: No harm done. Right, Doc?
Phlox: That's correct. Now let's begin the search for Hoshi's gel-like remains.
Reed: It's all my fault. How could I let this happen to her?
Sato: Why, Malcolm! I didn't know you cared.
Reed: Sob... I'll never get those decon tapes now!
Sato: As I was saying, I'll haunt your children.
Phlox: There she is... small and shiny to the last.
Tucker: You head back, Doc. I just want to talk to Hoshi one last time....
Sato: Why, Trip! I didn't know you --
Tucker: ....to ask if I can use her as a hair gel.
Sabotaging Aliens: Sabotage sabotage sabotage....
Sato: Well, this can't be good.
Mayweather: (over the comm) All right, that does it! Why the skrell do you get to walk and talk when you're dead? All I got to do was lie there!
Sato: If it helps, I thought you looked hot.
Mayweather: Really? Thanks!
Sato: Gotta hand it to you, Travis... it takes a special kind of guy to find "I was attracted to your cloned corpse" flattering.
Mr. Sato: (over the comm) Hoshi is dead?
Archer: That's such a harsh, accurate term. I'd rather believe she's moved on to the next phase.
Mr. Sato: You son of a blatch! I ought to come over there and --
Archer: Look, do you think this was easy for me? Having to call Hoshi's father, give her the news, and hang up on him?
Mr. Sato: But you haven't (click)
T'Pol: Captain, your ceiling is flashing in sequences.
Archer: Wow! It's like Hoshi's talking to us from beyond the grave! Too bad she forgot it's Porthos who knows Morse code, not me.
Sato: Oh yeah.
Archer: Poor Hoshi. I miss her so much....
Sato: I'm not saying it.
Archer: ....so, so much....
Sato: Oh, fine! "Why, Captain, I didn't know you cared."
Archer: ....but Crewman Sue is prettier anyway.
Sato: If Archer won't listen, I'll stop you myself!
Sabotaging Alien: Wise decision. The first step is to get on this transporter platform.
Sato: Okay. Hey, wait a --
Transporter: WHOOSH
Sato: -- sec! Whoa, déjà vu.
Reed: Welcome back from the abyss, Sato. You were in the transporter loop for eight seconds while I brushed my hair.
Sato: Wow... I had the most horrible dream! And you were in it, and you were in it, and you....
Archer: Feeling better, Ensign?
Sato: Yeah, I'm fine. And I'm eager to get back to work.
Archer: Glad to hear it. Report to Chef in the morning.
Sato: You gave away my job? During the eight seconds I was gone?
Archer: It's nothing personal, the other candidate was just more qualified. You've met Crewman Sue, right?
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over two years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He's playing catchup as usual, but decided to get in on the VP action while it lasted.
