By The Great meech
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:10 PM GMTSee Also: 'Our Man Bashir' Episode Guide Garak: Black letters would go better with your tux.
Garak: Nice apartment. Day-glo decorations and it's 1964? Does the word "karma" mean anything to you? K-A-R-M-A?
Bashir: Garak, meet my assistant, Mona Lovesit.
Garak: I can see that...oh, that's her name!
Bashir: My character is a spy. He's wealthy, he's popular and he has everything.
Garak: Well, I was a spy too, and I have a lifetime of evil deeds and emotional scarring! Top that!
Sisko: Can our runabout come home?
Eddington: (over the comm) No. No runabout that leaves DS9 may come home intact.
Sisko: Destroy the ship, Mr. O'Brien!
O'Brien: Already half-done, sir!
Bashir: That hologram looks like Kira!
Garak: Very observant of you. Did it take long to figure that out?
KGB Kira: Hi.
Garak: I have a theory. I believe thare was a transporter accident and the bodies of Kira, Sisko, Worf, Dax and O'Brien have been stored as holodeck characters who thinks they really are those characters.
Bashir: That's ridiculous!
Eddington: (over the comm) Bashir, we have a problem. It's what Garak said.
Garak: Nyah.
KGB Kira: Our mission is to figure out who's causing a bunch of earthquakes.
Bashir: So?
KGB Kira: A scientist that looks like Dax has been kidnapped.
Bashir: Let's roll. Hey, someone's knocking at the door.
KGB Kira: Don't answer that! It could be an assassin!
Bashir: Nonsense.
Falcon (O'Brien): Hello, I'm an assassin.
Bashir: Nuts.
(Meaningless fight sequence)
Bashir: Garak, you're bleeding.
Garak: You're obviously a doctor.
KGB Kira: Our suspect is Dr. No. I mean Dr. Noah. He's kidnapped dozens of other scientists too.
Bashir: Why don't you just look for a group of scientists and see if someone evil was with them?
KGB Kira: Well, it is our usual method, but it didn't work this time for some reason.
Eddington: (Meaningless technobabble)
Rom: (Meaningless technobabble)
Odo: (Meaningless technobabble)
Quark: (Meaningless babble)
Eddington: What a brilliant plan we have here.
Bashir: Can I pretand to be a leading scientist to infiltrate your organization?
Noah's Assistant (Worf): Sure, as long as I can foolishly let you bribe me with my own money.
Bashir: Then we're set.
Assistant: Yeah. Mind if I use nerve gas on you?
Bashir: Nope. No, wait--GAAAAAAAA!
Garak: Oh, wonderful, we're in another house of ill-karma.
Noah (Sisko): Quiet, you. My name is Hippocrates Noah.
Bashir: Sounds like a spicy peanut dish...mmmmm...peanuts.
Noah: Silence! It is time to idiotically blab my plan to you. You see...(Meaningless scientific babble).
Bashir: 'Kay. I believe you now have to lock me in the basement.
Noah: Yep. Otherwise I'd be sued for malpractice.
Bashir: Hey! Scientist that looks like Dax! You're beautiful!
Garak: Do you two mind dispensing with the usual Bond 'witticisms'? We need to get out!
Dax Scientist: Sure, here you go.
Garak: Doctor! You shot me!
Bashir: I had to shoot something! Bond music was playing!
Garak: I see. All is forgiven.
Bashir: Hi, Dr. Noah. I give up.
Noah: Soooo...that's the reason you seduced a scientist, broke free and came up here?
Bashir: Yes. And to stall for time while Eddington beams you back.
Noah: Aw, but I got to act over the top!
Bashir: You haven't been doing that for the last four seasons?
Garak: We should do this again sometime.
Bashir: A sequel? Do you have any idea how many rantings would go on on the Internet?
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
The Great meech is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.
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